Category: Asexuality

Immutibility, aka the Parts of Myself That I Can Count On

This is my submission for the January 2018 Carnival of Aces, on the subject of “Identity”. The roundup of entries is here. The call for submissions can be found here. The masterpost explaining what the carnival is is here. I was rushing to finish this post, below, by the deadline so please tell me if you notice errors.


If you were to ask who I am, you might get an answer that copies other people’s bio blurbs on blogging websites or something. You’d get a different answer if I were to write a cover letter addressed to you as I tried to get hired by you. There are different parts of me that are relevant to reveal at different times.

There’s this lyric I love in the Marianas Trench song Who Do You Love?. The second line especially, but it’s both of the initial lines in the first verse, and they are:

God, it’s been so long wide awake that I feel like someone else. / I miss the way that you saw me, or maybe the way I saw myself.

Feeling like “someone else” than they were when with their (presumably romantic) partner – these are lines about a person’s sense of identity! This is a breakup (and hoping to get back together?) song, by the way.

After my queerplatonic partner broke up with me – really, after both times he did (because yes we were on-again, off-again) – I could feel this.

I didn’t only miss tangible things about our relationship, but at times I also felt my entire perception of myself shifting. There were all sorts of levels to this. It was like external validation that I’m logical if he thought what I said made sense and little things like that, which I also get from friends and family in my day-to-day life but which I got a higher degree of from him.

But it was also… Knowing someone else thinks you’re worth talking to more often than anyone else, knowing they want to build a future with you – it can be a powerful thing, and for me it boosted my self esteem, my sense of how “likable” a person I am, and all sorts of hard-to-quantify things.

Feeling secure in that relationship also shifted what I saw as possible in my future, and there’s some sense that “me” – who I see myself to actually, in full, be – is some combination of my past, my present, and my future.

The second time Robert* broke up with me, he all but ghosted me – while he did tell me he “couldn’t do this relationship anymore” and made it clear he was breaking up with me, he didn’t offer any real explanation and suddenly was completely gone from my life despite a promise to explain more the next day. He went silent, no proper goodbye, nothing.

*Robert was/is his chosen pseudonym for my blog

I really like this article on Psychology Today about ghosting:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-forward/201511/is-why-ghosting-hurts-so-much

Especially this part:

One of the most insidious aspects of ghosting is that it doesn’t just cause you to question the validity of the relationship you had, it causes you to question yourself. Why didn’t I see this coming? How could I have been such a poor judge of character? What did I do to cause this? How do I protect myself from this ever happening again? This self-questioning is the result of basic psychological systems that are in place to monitor one’s social standing and relay that information back to the person via feelings of self-worth and self-esteem.

How does this relate back to identity? I think things like “clearly, I’m an unreliable judge of character” is kind of about your sense of identity, core parts of your skills/abilities/instincts in ways that at least feel unchanging and just the way you are, for better or worse (and you’re thinking, at this point, it’s the “for worse”). Maybe it’s not true that you even are bad at that, and even if you are, maybe it’s not true that it’s unchangeable. But planning to raise kids with a person who ultimately leaves you without a goodbye makes you doubt yourself, “who you are”, how you could’ve ended up in this situation. How much of it was your own fault?

My feelings back when I was still happily in a queerplatonic partnership with him also shifted what I felt my own self capable of feeling – like being “in love” and realizing my capacity to have sensual desire for touch/hugs occasionally but in a demisensual way. I still feel those as lasting effects on my sense of identity, even with Robert gone from life.

What I’m “capable” of feeling, generally speaking, is a big part of why I identify as a non-libidoist sex-averse asexual. It is defining what I like to see as immutable parts of me. It’s not just with one particular person that I feel the need to run away/push the person away if sexual-anything seems potentially on the table. No, instead I possess, knowing these identities of mine, the ultimate “it’s not you, it’s me” card, a description of a core part of who I am and expect to always be, in all relevant circumstances as an adult. It’s just a stable set of facts about me.

immutable: adj. Not susceptible to change.

Anything immutable is a pretty good starting point for identity, I think.

susceptible: adj. Easily influenced or affected.

There are tons of parts of me that technically could change, given certain extreme circumstances, but are quite unlikely to change.

In general, the way I conceptualize it, an identity is only an identity once you already realize you’re basically “past the point of no return” – this is who you are by now, whether it was choice that started you on this path or not? Things that are so embedded in your sense of self. Things that even if they change, you’ll say it’s who you used to be in a “I was __ back in those years” sense rather than just what you did.

Continue reading “Immutibility, aka the Parts of Myself That I Can Count On”

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My Vidding, Fanfiction, Podfics, and Meta: The Works that Incorporate Asexuality

This is my first submission for the Carnival of Aces October 2017, themed around Asexuality in Fandom. The call for submissions is here. A definition of fandom for the sake of this carnival topic is here in the comments of the call for submissions announcement.


So I know this blog post below is a stretch when it comes to fitting this requirement of the carnival, especially in light of this explicitly being said in the call for submissions:

Be mindful that this call for submissions is not looking for fanwork, but for meta (aka discussions about fanwork, fandom and the way it relates to its source text and social context) either about the fandom(s) you participate in or about fandom in general. You can add some examples or recs, but make sure to focus on the analysis part.

However, I figure this compilation would be something fans of my blog here might be curious to finally see—seeing exactly how I sometimes inject asexuality into my fan endeavors. I blog so much about asexuality, and all the while the word “Fandom” has been in the title of my blog. When I hosted the Carnival of Aces 4 different times I didn’t ever think to make it about fandom specifically!! But someone else (Chrysocolla Town) did, and I appreciate it so much.

I’ll make this not just a list of my ace fanworks by also, in “meta” form, I’ll explain some of my thoughts behind working on them. 😉


(I’m sorry if this post is simply too long, I got a little carried away…)


So the most recent “fandom mixed with asexuality” thing I’ve done is… well, actually, it’s that I’ve written a fanfic that I haven’t actually posted yet.

So… The most recent fanwork I’ve actually finished is THIS, posted in September 2017:

And I’m very proud of this fanvideo of mine. I made it for a contest where each round is themed around capturing personal sides to our own life/who we are. For this round, we had to vid “our breaking point”, and at first I wasn’t sure what to do. The obvious answer was something to do with my abusive mom, cutting off contact, other moments related to those periods of my life… that all was very much “breaking points” in my life. However years ago in a couple of different contests I’ve vidded I’ve already captured in fanvideo form my feelings about my mother. I have that already on my channel. I also within the past year vidded my emotions over my grief over my grandmother. That was another low point in my life. But this… I’d never captured my own personal experience of asexuality in fanvideo form. I’d made an informational fanvideo on asexuality before (see way down later in this post) but never a personal one. And this was an emotionally trying time for me.

I participate in this type of fanvideo contest where we vid personal things because I find it’s a way to vid things I really want to capture in fanvid form, to make a video I really want to make but probably wouldn’t without added incentive to do it, so I ultimately got myself excited about making this once I thought of the idea. It took a lot of time and effort to get the clips and figure out how I was going to do it though. I used a pretty popularly vidded song (“overvidded” in many of the fandom circles I hang out in, perhaps, or at least not “undervidded”), one that has made me think of asexuality every time I saw a fanvideo set to it and again heard the chorus about wanting to sleep next to someone and that being ALL they wanted to do “right now”…

I found a female cover version of the song. A cover was in part because many vidders have found the original to be copyrighted and blocked in some countries on YouTube and they had to pitch-shift the song in order to share their video, but also mainly I wanted a female singer anyway (the original is sung by a guy) because I wanted to capture the importance of the female POV in my journey. There isn’t enough female ace representation, especially on TV, and in headcanons in fanfiction, and maybe in novels too… and I find the fact that I’m female and ace an important nuance to capture. I tried to mainly show women’s POV throughout the vid… I included many characters to span varying parts of my journey and all were women or teenage girls (including canonical female ace Voodoo on Sirens) except for two canonically ace men (Todd in BoJack Horseman but just one scene for him, also a few scenes of Gerald from Southland Street), plus one particular headcanonned as ace male character who to me feels practically canon ace, an extra personal and extra important-to-me to include guy, even though much of fandom doesn’t agree he’s ace: Reid.


Yeah, about Reid…

The not yet quite finished and most recent ace fanwork I’ve been working on is:

I’ve finally written 3,300 words of a story which is tentatively titled Reflections on Love and Life where Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds is an asexual character. After I finish the final part of writing this fic, which is likely only maybe 100 more words, it really is so close… and also after it is beta’d (a fellow fan writer works as an editor with helpful suggestions to improve it) I will post it publicly on my fanfiction.net account as well as on my AO3 profile.

I say “finally” because I’ve been headcannoning Reid as asexual since I started watching the show, actually. I started watching Criminal Minds at the end of 2013, and binge watched all 8.5 seasons that existed at the time, and loved it so much. (I was unemployed and had extra time for watching TV, for what that’s worth.) But the end of 2013 was also when I knew I was ace. I figured out, after months of sitting on the idea, that I was definitely ace at the start of Asexual Awareness Week 2013, around October 21st or 22nd of that year. And I had been in fandom spaces, enjoying TV shows, for years and years, but Criminal Minds was the very first show I started watching, freshly experiencing it, after knowing I myself am asexual.

Not only that, but Reid being headcanoned as asexual is something I saw at least one other person, probably multiple other people, do. I knew quite early oh that I wasn’t alone in this interpretation! This was really validating and comforting.

Continue reading “My Vidding, Fanfiction, Podfics, and Meta: The Works that Incorporate Asexuality”

Once Upon a Time I Was a “CisHet Ace”

This is my submission to the September 2017 Carnival of Aces, themed around “What’s One Thing You Want To Tell Ace Exclusionists?” or “Messages to Ace Exclusionists”. See here for the masterpost and explanation of what the Carnival of Aces is. (The call for submissions this time was here.) I’m a day late, which is nothing newsworthy if you are familiar with me and my bad habits…


So… Cishet aces or cishet aros are just straight people, and therefore the logic follows that they’re your oppressors. That’s what you Ace Exclusionists say, right?

You don’t seem to really believe or understand just how huge asexuality or aromanticism can be as an influence in a person’s life. You don’t seem to really accept they’re real. There truly is a reason these concepts evolved into being commonly accepted by people who use the identity labels as analogous to sexual orientations.

If you accept a trans het ace into being “LGBT” but only because they’re not cis (because they are trans), you’re saying that heteroromantic asexuality is the same as typical (allo) heterosexuality, and it just isn’t. You’re saying being Trans is the only aspect of their queerness, their non-straightness, you’ll even bother to see. You won’t give them space to feel fully welcome as their full selves.

If you say people who live their lives as aromantic while meanwhile feeling sexual attraction toward “the opposite gender” are exactly the same as most straight people who happily date and easily feel fluttery romance stuff or easily fall in love, you’re missing another point. But aromantic people aren’t brought up as often on any side of this “Debate”, this “Discourse”, this Fight. They are lumped in as a sidenote with the aces. I’d love to defend these aromantic people, but about allosexual (including heterosexual) aromantics I fear I might say the wrong thing. I still have to learn how to be the best ally possible. I still think about them more theoretically than have I read or heard enough personal accounts from real people who live those lives and right now this is all outside of the scope of this post. Let’s get back to the more blatant fight here, against asexuals.

Continue reading “Once Upon a Time I Was a “CisHet Ace””

luvtheheaven Ace-ing It Up Offline

This is my submission for the July 2017 Carnival of Aces. Read all the other submissions here.


There are so many parts of my experience as an asexual person that are offline these days. I do feel very attached to Asexuals of the Mid-Atlantic now that I’ve been attending for 3 years, co-organizing events for 2.5, and if my life ever takes me a direction where I’d want to move, I’d hesitate to move anywhere without any kind of accessible, in-person ace community. I’ve been spoiled by how wonderful the community is here. I currently have 39 numbers programed into my phone as people I met through Asexuals of the Mid-Atlantic, some of whom I only maybe met at one meetup, but still, it’s a fairly accurate reflection of how many aces are in my lifebecause there are still other folks, many others, whose phone numbers I don’t have and never needed but where meeting them has enriched my perception of what asexuality is and who makes up this orientation.

Continue reading “luvtheheaven Ace-ing It Up Offline”

Make Sure To Frame Asexuality, Clearly, as a Sexual Orientation

This is my (1 day late) entry for the June 2017 Carnival of Aces, which was themed around “Asexual Education”.


Today, in the afternoon into evening as we went grocery shopping at a few stores and then cooked dinner together, I had some amazing conversations with my dad, spanning:

  • the nature of asexuality and aromanticism
  • the complexities of what different people experience
  • the often unintentional and subtle erasure in TV shows
  • multiple real people’s experiences in the local ace meetup group and what that ends up playing out like
  • etc

And basically I was engaging in a much more 201 (rather than 101), in-depth version of asexuality education, imparting my nuanced lived experience from 4-ish years exploring these topics and what’s been on my mind lately to a straight ally who has enough foundational groundwork to basically “Get” all of it.

For this month’s Carnival of Aces, one of the suggestions of topics we could talk about was:

How can those of us who aren’t professional educators teach about asexuality? What are some good places/resources to start? Is anyone currently looking for people to teach about asexuality?

and I think there are so many ways!! It’s such a complicated topic.

Continue reading “Make Sure To Frame Asexuality, Clearly, as a Sexual Orientation”

“Kissing, Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, etc!” – the May 2017 Carnival of Aces Round Up of all Submissions

(I’ve cross-posted this round-up to my tumblr as well, if you want to reblog it!) The “Carnival of Aces” is a blogging carnival where each month people are invited to write on a specific topic that is related to asexuality/the ace spectrum in some way. Aromanticism is often grouped in as a thing to talk about as well, or even just “instead”, if desired. 😉

Check out the masterpost of all of the other amazing topics previous carnivals have been on: https://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/a-carnival-of-aces-masterpost/

April 2017’s was on “Aromanticism, Asexuality and Parenthood” and received 5 submissions (see all the way at the bottom of that post for some of them) – it was hosted by Ettina over at Abnormaldiversity.

For this current month, May, this was the fourth time that I hosted the carnival, and once again it was a big success! Thank you to ALL of you who submitted.

I tried to choose a broad topic:

Kissing, Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, etc!

and the “etc” was important and part of it too, I swear lol. Feel free to go back to the call for submissions if you’re curious for what I suggested and explained the topic to be.


This month, 10 different people turned in posts, and 1 of those people did their submission in two parts.

One other person claimed not to have enough to say in order to write a post for the Carnival but did write a great paragraph response on their thoughts on the topic and gave me permission to include it here as well. (So you’ve got 12 links to click. )

I’ll (sort of) try to group them by theme:


We’ve got the general replies to thoughts on the whole Carnival.

Lib at is the person who didn’t turn in a post but whose thoughts near the beginning of their A “Catch Up” Post I felt would be good to share with you all. Most of that blog post is unrelated to the Carnival, but near the beginning there is a paragraph that sums up Lib’s feelings on most displays of affection:

https://acubedblog.wordpress.com/2017/05/27/a-catch-up-post/

Isaac at mundo heterogéneo wrote this month about his thoughts on all three things in the title of the theme — kissing, holding hands, and bed sharing:
https://heterogen.wordpress.com/2017/05/31/my-thoughts-on-kissing-holding-hands-and-bed-sharing/

Blue Ice-Tea over at Ace Film Reviews wrote Growing Up Platoniromantic: Kissing, Hand-Holding, Bed-Sharing, etc.

https://acefilmreviews.wordpress.com/2017/05/27/growing-up-platoniromantic-1/

Continue reading ““Kissing, Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, etc!” – the May 2017 Carnival of Aces Round Up of all Submissions”

Kissing Aversion, but Demi-Sensual About Other Touch

This is my entry for the May 2017 Carnival of Aces, which I hosted and chose to theme around “Kissing, Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, etc!”. The round-up of all 12 submissions that month can be found here. I’m sorry this post is so long. I’m sort of overflowing with thoughts. Also this was written in one sitting late at night so please feel free to point out errors. This was cross-posted to my tumblr as well.


I don’t feel like I need touch in my life much at all, most of the time.

That being said, I have the ability to really like it. In a kinda demi-sensual kind of way, if that’s a thing. (I’m 100% asexual, no grayness there, no sexual attraction, but if I have a lot of trust-feelings for you, like a LOT of positive feelings about our relationship, then there is a pretty good chance I’ll like touch.)

I am comfortable but fairly neutral with touch when it comes to me and small children. (They can still cross boundaries that make me uncomfortable, such as making me take off my glasses and then I feel overly vulnerable, which kind of happened to me a week and a half ago with a 3 year old in my extended family lol.) I don’t crave touch from small children – I crave other types of attention from children, I want to make them happy, I love the emotional reaction they can have to me at times, but I’m not overly touchy feely unless they initiate it. I am much more comfortable holding babies than holding any animal though.

With people who are peers though, fellow young adults, or from older family members… I can have positive associations with touch!

Continue reading “Kissing Aversion, but Demi-Sensual About Other Touch”

Guest Post: Carnival of Aces Submission

This is a submission for the May 2017 Carnival of Aces which I myself hosted this month here on my blog. The theme is “Kissing, Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, etc!”

I offered to host guest submissions on my blog if anyone desired that. Here is Rachel’s essay:

I define myself, broadly speaking, as sex-averse, romance-averse, and touch-averse, but the more that I think about it, separating these repulsions into neat and tidy categories really doesn’t make sense.  The three blend so easily into each other that I can’t conclude which is causing which.  For example: kissing?  Not a fan.  Now, is that because of sex aversion (since kissing can be coded as sexual), romance aversion (kissing is coded as romantic), or is that just generalized touch aversion?  All three?  Rinse, lather, and repeat for all other sexual/romantic/sensual coded activities.  

Now, it isn’t unusual for repulsions to be inexplicably arbitrary in their limits and tolerances (some aces/aros like cuddling but hate kissing, may like or tolerate certain types of sexual/romantic materials but not others, etc.).  Me?  I’m an aro ace who is vaguely repulsed by both sex and romance, yet am actually astonishingly positive toward sex and romance under certain circumstances.  Like, I am okay with and sometimes really enjoy romance in media, to the point that many of my standard complaints about romance in media are identical to those of alloromantic people (the characters have no chemistry, the writing is cliché, their dynamic is forced and obligatory, etc.).  With that in mind, it makes tidy categorizations of repulsions even more hazy.  Because how much, philosophically, can you stretch a term before it loses coherence and value?  What value is there in calling myself sex-averse and romance-averse specifically when I’ve admitted to not having the conspicuous and visceral reactions that repulsion otherwise implies, the way the community usually talks about them?  Am I actually sex and romance repulsed, or is that just the unfortunate overlap of generalized touch aversion with activities rooted in touching?

Given the above, it makes separating repulsions kind of arbitrary and impossible, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t find the terms useful.  I obviously wouldn’t use them if I found them pointless.  Calling myself sex-averse is a useful way to get across “no, I am not, in fact, interested in or open to sex with you (or anyone else for that matter).”   The same goes for romance and touch.  Because people tend to assume that if you aren’t explicitly revolted by something, that something doesn’t really hold inherent appeal to you but doesn’t specifically upset you, then that means that you’re broadly okay with it, right?

And here is where the core of my aversion lies.  When I say that I am averse to these things: it isn’t because they inspire a deeply-felt, immediate, all-consuming gut reaction; it is because they don’t.  I cannot find the words even describe the special kind of NOTHING that I feel when interacting sensually with others.  Yeah, I tolerate touch as social protocol, and don’t mind it in small bursts from people that I know well.  But knowing that I supposed to be feeling something positive, and getting nothing from it internally, no matter how sincerely-intended the gesture, makes touch a dissonant and hollow experience.  My life is filled with Voldemort-awkwardly-hugging-Draco moments.   It has taken me years to admit to myself that I am emotionally indifferent to touch, and that, no, touching the people that I care about doesn’t provide any warm and fuzzies (to the point where I suspect neurodivergence), it’s just this vaguely disconcerting thing that I’m expected to perform.  This all makes sex and romance-coded behaviors feel invasive in their hollowness, and it is for this reason that I ground myself in the vocabulary of aversion, rather than mere indifference.

The triple-combo of sex, romance, and touch aversion creates sites of conflict for me.  This overlap heavily stymies my ability to pursue relationships that otherwise interest me.  Because when the ace and aro communities talk about relationships and practicing physical intimacy, this is what I mostly see:

Alloromantic aces: We may not like sex (unless we do), but we still like romance!  Kissing!  Cuddling!   Holding hands!  Sensual stuff!

Aro allosexuals: We may not like romance (unless we do), but we still like sex!  Kissing!  Cuddling!  Holding hands!  Sensual stuff!

Non-touch averse aro/aces: We may not like sex or romance (unless we do), but we still like touch!  Kissing!  Cuddling!  Holding hands!  Sensual stuff!

The more repulsions that you have, the more it chisels away at your ability to perform the motions of intimacy under the predominant relationship models.   The way we talk about relationships in the ace and aro communities, whether sexual, romantic, or none of the above, still contains the language of touch-as-intimacy, and that leaves people with stacking repulsions effectively out in the cold, as our communities scramble to highlight what physical intimacies remain.  But what happens none remain?  Because, seriously, how many in our communities would be on board with a relationship where not even nonsexual or nonromantic sensuality is involved?  Who will have you, when even your own community probably won’t?  This is something that I wish that both communities would discuss more directly, rather than just giving lip service, leaving cute validations, and then things going back to the same as before.   It’s all well and good to say that people with  multiple aversions deserve to have the relationship models of their choice, but that doesn’t mean we get to ever have them in real life, or guide us through navigating them if we do.  

My relationship prospects being more or less nonexistent, I’ve more or less settled on being perma-single, something that I am, luckily, fine with.  But this creates problems with possible parenthood.  Being disabled, having a someone to co-parent would set me at ease with having children (and this is my backdoor response to last month’s submission, an entire month late), but as I’ve detailed before, that isn’t likely or practical.  Also, being a single parent with touch-aversion threatens parent-child interactions (children, as a general rule, require a lot of touch for bonding and development), which having a co-parent would alleviate.   Our community’s lack of exploration of these questions leaves me alone, without guidance, and uncertain of my options.  

As a community, we need to discuss touch-based intimacy, the place it holds in our relationship models, and how to we ought to restructure said models when its pieces wear thin.  As a community, we need to discuss touch aversion with the same gravity that we do sex and romance aversion, as being a serious part of many ace and aro experiences, not just as an afterthought.  There comes a point when pithy positivity posts and acknowledgements stop helping you progress, and talk of practical and living concerns needs to take its place.  I’m hoping that this Carnival serves as a start.   

Rachel

“Kissing, Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, etc!” – the May 2017 Carnival of Aces – Call for Submissions

The “Carnival of Aces” is a blogging carnival where each month people are invited to write on a specific topic that is related to asexuality/the ace spectrum in some way. Aromanticism is often grouped in as a thing to talk about as well, or even just “instead”, if desired. 😉

(Also, vloggers are invited to speak on the topic in videos, artists/poets invited to be inspired by the topic, etc — whatever format you wish to participate with, please, use that format.)

Check out the masterpost of all of the other amazing topics previous carnivals have been on: https://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/a-carnival-of-aces-masterpost/

April 2017’s was on “Aromanticism, Asexuality and Parenthood” and received 5 submissions (see all the way at the bottom of that post for some of them) – it was hosted by Ettina over at Abnormaldiversity.

For this current month, May, this is the fourth time that I am hosting the carnival. I hosted in 2014 and 2015, and it’s been a while but I’m excited to host yet again. I decided to make the topic Kissing, Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, etc!.

The topic is meant to be broad. You are not limited to one of those 3 things just mentioned.

A bunch of ideas on what people might write about:

  • A narrative of your personal experience(s) with something like kissing, hand-holding, sharing a bed for any reason, or other things that came to mind when I listed those things
  • A delineation of where specific actions fit, categorically, in your mind/experience/gut feeling. Is marriage inherently romantic? Is hugging something that fits in different categories depending on other factors? Does making-out kissing feel sexual to you?
  • A personal outline of specific positive desires and/or what you wish to avoid in your future that you feel are affected by your romantic and/or sexual orientation
  • Does your perception of certain activities influence your label/add to your reasons for identifying as grey-aro or grey-ace, or why you chose just “asexual” and not grey kind of a thing? How? Or contrarily, does the way you feel about something like “going on dates” or even “having sex”, an action or experience, influence how or why you identify?
  • Is there something that you love/appreciate, or hate/are frustrated by, in terms of how a specific action or set of actions are discussed in ace spaces?
  • What do you think of how these types of behaviors are used in works of fiction? “There Is Only One Bed” is a common trope on TV shows, for instance, or as Sara K. mentioned & linked to in her review here, a couple of us were discussing in a comment thread in March how sometimes writers seem to “consider the dividing line between ‘romantic’ and ‘aromantic’ to be enjoying kissing and hand-holding.” – How do you, the blogger in this Carnival, feel about that?
  • How does touch-aversion, sex-repulsion, or other aspects of your experience intersect with any of these types of scenarios?
  • Talk to me about consent in contexts it’s usually not talked about in!
  • Tell me how you define that nebulous word “cuddling”. When you say you do or don’t like cuddling, what action(s) are you referring to?
  • Are there certain actions that onlookers insist “Seem” or “must be” sexual, or romantic, but to you feel entirely non-sexual or non-romantic?
  • Anything else that this topic inspires in you! I want to know what you have to say!

Let me know in the comments if you have any questions or concerns.

To submit your entry, either leave a comment below or send an email to me at pemk7@aol.com . The deadline is the end of the day Wednesday, May 31st!  If you would like to post anonymously, I can copy and paste text from an email into a Guest post on this blog of mine, just let me know that this is your wish. You can also contact me via my tumblr, which is luvtheheaven.tumblr.com – links don’t send in “Asks” though. I do receive submissions and messages but in my opinion, email is easier, and comments here are easiest.

Thanks!

Me & wanting a future as a parent, an update

This post was written for the April 2017 Carnival of Aces, which is themed around Asexuality, Aromanticism and Parenthood. The call for submissions was here – and please check out the round up post containing all of the submitted entries! http://abnormaldiversity.blogspot.com/2017/05/aromanticism-asexuality-and-parenthood.html


Over on Asexual Activities, back in January (2017, so only a few months ago), 34 different people (including me) answered the theme on Having Children, plus one person replied to another person’s thought that being single meant they couldn’t adopt/foster and encouraged them to consider that that may not be true where they live. About 11 to 16 of the responses seemed to be “I don’t want children”, depending on how you count the “maybe one day” sentiments, meaning it actually is approximately 50/50. See all the different themes here: http://www.asexualactivities.com/tags, and click through to find the answers on asexual people’s perspectives on kids.  Which submission is mine should be pretty obvious if you read my blog regularly, or even if you just read to the end of this blog post.

About a year ago, in May 2016, aceadmiral started a conversation on tumblr also related to aces and having children, and there are two (– I think only two? Not 100% sure) different branches of the reblog chain/thread that are worth reading. If you’re interested in the topic of this Carnival, I highly recommend you click the “Read More” links, read the other linked things within the responses, there is so much that is interesting over there.

  1. https://aceadmiral.tumblr.com/post/144126451728/christian-ace-nerd-aceadmiral
  2. https://aceadmiral.tumblr.com/post/144128006058/tristifere-aceadmiral-luvtheheaven (yes I myself talked quite a bit in this one)

I have so many thoughts on this topic, honestly, but it’s hard for me to currently talk about. Nothing has really changed about what I desire since a-year-and-a-half ago when I wrote on Being an Aro Ace and Desiring (Foster and/or Adoptive) Parenthood, but also so much has changed since then in my life and in how feasible this desire seems!

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