Tag: Polyamory

Personal Life Reflections Part 2, and Musings On Compatibility, Attraction, and Love Languages

Hi everybody! I hosted the Carnival of Aces in April 2019. This is part 3 of 3 of my submission.


So after I posted the Call for Submissions for this carnival theme on The Five Love Languages, I ended up reading 3 of the books and having so many thoughts that I’m writing 3 blog posts on the subject. This is part 3 of 3. I know it says part 2 in the title but it’s actually part 3 total, just part 2 of the personal life reflections… Sorry if that’s too confusing!

Part 1 was here. Part 2 was here.

This post below has more to do with asexuality and aromanticism than the previous two parts did.
For all the original Love Languages books’ faults, and there are a lot (see my previous post), one thing that I think most aces would actually really appreciate is how sex is very clearly not tied to love in the books, even in the marriage-specific book. Author Gary Chapman says problematic stuff about sex, for sure, but he also says if the only Physical Touch you go out of your way to give or receive is sexual, then Physical Touch is clearly not your primary love language. Other touch is kind of given priority in terms of what “counts” as Gary Chapman actually separates out sex and other touch, much like the ace community separated out Sexual Desire/Behavior from Sensual Desire/Behavior, defining “Sensual” as non-sexual touch.  It’s an interesting way to look at a lot of this.
Also, from the aromanticism side of things, Gary Chapman doesn’t actually say or imply anything is “only true for romance” that isn’t also true for non-romantic dynamics, other than when he tries to explain about the “in love experience” and “infatuation period” based on what the audiobooks only cite as “research” [so I have no clue how sources are cited in the actual book]… But when it came to love, the theorizing was impressively inclusive of the forms of love aromantic people also usually experience and even of the spectrum of human experience from co-workers and college roommates to siblings to adult’s dynamics with parents, love as on a spectrum where even if love stops being a good word for it and maybe “appreciation” is better, it flows seamlessly from love to appreciation in these books and all of it is still important.
There is something oddly validating about the marriage counselor who “invented” the love languages terminology and system having so much to potentially offer in his system even to nonamorous aromantic people?
And the idea of the love languages and these books around them also have so much to offer to sex-repulsed or sex-indifferent asexuals as well! His advice would work well for aces and aros, in spite of his bigotry and what I believe might be a partnership with hate groups like Focus on the Family (or at least I know FotF endorses him based on this image exising). (I know that groups like these have brought about deaths of gay and trans people, I do not say they are a hate group lightly.)
Even if it was unintentional, sometimes I want to take inclusion wherever I can see it. Wherever I can squint and find it!
But enough about that…
Let’s bring this post to the things I said I’d talk about in my title for this post – Compatibility and Attraction.

Continue reading “Personal Life Reflections Part 2, and Musings On Compatibility, Attraction, and Love Languages”

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Love Triangles (in Fandoms), Jealousy, and Polyamory (some random musings)

So a little while back I started reading more on why polyamory makes sense – after all, people accept that we can love more than one friend at once, and more than one family member, so why not more than one romantic and/or sexual partner? And I basically think that makes sense. I actually was reading this stuff and thinking it made a lot of sense even BEFORE I realized, fully, that I was asexual and would never be interested in typical sexual-romantic relationships. I was reading about this stuff prior to identifying as ace – which only officially happened for me in October 2013.

I grew up in such a “monogamy is the only way of life” mindset, and when I first came across the idea and realized it made sense in theory, I still wondered if I could actually, in the real world, handle any form of polyamory without being jealous.

Then, at a later point in time, I realized I might identify more with being aromantic than being romantic anyway, so maybe it’d be irrelevant in my own life, because in non-romantic contexts, almost everyone accepts polyamory as the default, although they don’t use the word.

Continue reading “Love Triangles (in Fandoms), Jealousy, and Polyamory (some random musings)”

What is the difference between Platonic and Romantic Love?

So now that I realize I’m asexual, I also realize something else… I kind of view, and have for years been viewing, all “love” as platonic. I didn’t realize it, but it’s true. If you look up platonic in a dictionary, it claims platonic means “free from physical desire” or even “Transcending” it. When you look at an ideal husband and wife’s love, for me at least, it’s never about how sexually attractive they find one another, or how much they enjoy holding hands or any other kind of physical thing. It’s about how comfortable they feel talking to each other about anything/everything in their lives, and how they feel each other’s pain when something goes wrong in only one of their lives. When a spouse dies, my thought never goes to how they aren’t gonna be able to have sex again and that’s why it’s sad for the grieving widow(er). No. That’s not really the sad part. That’s sad too, if sex made them happy, but the love connection that is severed is one where a person who knew all of your secrets, hopes, doubts, and fears is gone. The only other person in the world with the same point of view toward your children. Etc. It’s about not having that person to talk to anymore, or to enjoy similar food or music or television shows with. Maybe it’s about not having anyone to slow dance with anymore when you attend weddings, or sleep in the same bed as… or some other things in life usually reserved for romantic adults.

I’m trying to figure out for myself if I am a romantic asexual, or aromantic and just looking for platonic love.

And in order to determine that, we need to decide on what the difference is between romantic and platonic love.

When someone is in a romantic relationship, it usually means monogamy, whereas platonic relationships are allowed to be plural. Advocates for polyamory suggest that because in general, people already understand how it is possible to love multiple family members or platonic friends, why not be able to love multiple romantic partners at once too, and in their case romance is almost always implied to be sexual as well. Many people also cite the idea of how it’s serial monogamy, not a single monogamous partner for life, that works for people, that they naturally are polyamorous anyway. After all, if you have had sex with more than one person and enjoyed the experience with both, it doesn’t mean you’re a cheater – you could’ve broken up/gotten divorced or your previous partner could’ve died. And of course there can be sex without love, and as both asexuals AND anyone who has ever experienced platonic love can attest, there can also be love without sex. But polyamory is about the cases where sex and love go hand-in-hand – and I support the idea of polyamory.

Imagine two sisters who when quite young sleep in the same bed together. There is nothing romantic about that. They could slow dance at a wedding and be being cute. They could grow up and regardless of if they’re asexual or not, if they don’t experience sexual attraction for each other, they could keep doing these kinds of things and it’d be platonic and “innocent” enough. Hypothetically, they could live together like “old maids” and have a deep platonic love bond. People might pity them as lonely and deprived of a love life, but they might have everything they need to be happy. They might enjoy each other’s company a ton, and know each other better than anyone in the world. They could even adopt a child together, or raise a niece or nephew if the child’s parents both couldn’t due to death or incarceration or some other reason lol, and have everything a romantic married couple might be thought to have. 😛 Everything other than the sex. And for an asexual like me, that sounds like a completely full life. I don’t want the sex. I don’t miss it. What I want is a life like that. I don’t have a sibling who wants that life, though. I don’t have a close friend who wants to spend their life with me rather than a potential spouse.

So that makes me want to go out looking for romance too. I want to be able to have a wedding to celebrate the love I have with one special person. I want to have “one” special person. Why? I thought I supported polyamory. Why does it have to be just one?

I think the answer to why I want to be monogamous, even in my search for “platonic” love, or asexual romance, is because everyone else seems to be. And because I don’t want to live alone. I’d be okay with living with a roommate who I felt really close to, a super close friend or family member, even potentially raising a child with them, and that person also having another super close friend they leave the house to go hang out with often. I could bring over other people who I have close platonic bonds with. There could be many loves in our lives. But I need someone special who is the person I live with. The person I spend the most time with. The person who shares my dream to raise a child and makes that dream possible for me – because single parenthood just doesn’t seem like a feasible option, regardless of how many people do it. Most single parents get help from grandparents or nannies/full-time babysitters. You can’t really do it alone. And while children aren’t for everyone, they’re part of my endgame goal for my life. I want to adopt a non-infant child, or foster. Not because of the sex involved in creating a biological child, but because those kids need someone.

I still can’t decide if I’m romantic or not. I thought I was heteroromantic for the longest time. Heterosexual really, because I didn’t realize I was asexual. I thought I, a female, liked guys in that special way. But now… I think I could “fall in love” with a fellow young woman in just the same way. I probably only thought of guys in that special way because I had friendships with girls my whole life but not many with guys. Because if I don’t think of girls in any way more than platonic, I assumed I must be straight. But that’s not true. The truth is I’m asexual, and I’m looking for a special Platonic Life Partner, or it could be Romantic but without sex – the labels just get confusing. Some people call it Queerplatonic or Queer Platonic too. QPLP. I think that is what I want. 😉 I just… I wish the definitions were more clear, and I wish it was easier to find other people looking for the same thing.


For people who came to my blog searching for the difference between Platonic and Romantic love, consider reading this post: https://luvtheheaven.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/i-have-looked-through-what-search-terms-have-brought-people-to-my-blog/ about search terms that have brought people to my blog. Also, consider reading various other posts of mine, as I write about these topics fairly often.