Tumblr Aro Asks meme, my answers (part 2 of 4)

As I said here in part 1, I’m gonna answer all of these, in a 4 part series of answers. Cross-posted to tumblr.

This is part 2 of 4.

(I’m sorry I kind of failed to finish these in time for Aro Spec Awareness Week, whoops.)

I’m gonna answer some of these with long paragraph answers, rather than just 1 word, because I feel like sometimes long answers are necessary? XD

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3. do you have any squishes?

One year ago for the February 2016 Carnival of Aces I wrote a blog post titled I Don’t (Meaningfully) Experience Platonic Attraction. I still am kind of confused by the concept of squishes.

I feel like when I was in elementary, middle, and high school and had crushes on approx. 3 guys, a decision to pick them to have a crush on really when I knew I had to be crushing on someone, I picked each of them because I had some form of a squish on them, I guess. But I mainly had a practical desire to get to know them better and have them see me as a friend/like me rather than a “attraction” per say? Idk but it turned into definite crush like feelings and for all I know I created asexual yet romantic rather than platonic attraction for them by nature of my trains of thought!

In the past year since writing that post I have felt major squish-like feelings I guess, towards mainly select new members of local non-religious meetup groups I’ve attended. There were women/girls I bonded with over fandom and even got the chance to speak with one on one before leaving, but I’ve only seen them once each, for a few hours, so it’s not like we can count as friends yet, hence my squish feelings. It’s like it’s only a crush/friend-crush if it’s… not quite requited, right? The one of these who is closer to my own age, she… I felt so much when we parted ways on the metro like this could’ve been the end of a really successful first date, I was like… I had butterflies but I knew she was almost definitely straight and what we had was just budding potential friendship but I was instantly reminded of Coyote’s friendship flirting blog post and was in the moment just… mentally noting how overcome with happy emotions I was. Unfortunately, we haven’t seen each other since though and I think that was… 3 months ago, so idk. We did message a little in the days after meeting, about the Gilmore Girls revival,which she saw after meeting me, and some of my feelings of bonding with her were less strong in those days because she’s on a totally different wavelength than me there, but idk. I still “really like” her, in whatever way that can be. I imagine if we see each other again I’ll make a “targeted effort” (as described in Coyote’s post) to see if, say, I can sit near her and chat with her.

And also there is this one guy who I basically feel that way about too, although it’s different because it is requited, it’s just still… relatively limited, I suppose, since I’ve only spoken to him in large group contexts and very brief one-on-one moments when like, departing from said groups. So there’s still that longing for more emotional intimacy, perhaps. He’s… too nice to me? That doesn’t make sense really, but it’s sort of how I feel. I think he’s a really amazing person and can’t understand why he would treat me with so much… respect I guess, I feel inadequate in his presence but not really because he is so reassuring and idk how to describe it, but I am reminded of when I had “crushes” on guys before I knew I was asexual. He’s married with children and I like his wife too although I’ve barely met her, and I don’t feel envy/jealousy at all, I don’t think it’s romantic attraction at all, and I’m satisfied with our friendship as it currently is, but I just feel strong feelings that are hard to pin down when it comes to this person.

Speaking of craving more emotional intimacy and that kind of squish… I’ve totally had it for extended family members too. Even quite recently. It’s… hard to pin down but I feel like I don’t meaningfully separate out my you know, blood relations from marriage family relations from non-related acquaintances, the same set of feelings is possible for any/all of them?

I think this is the only answer I’m posting tonight, because it’s so long!

Tumblr Aro Asks meme, my answers (part 1 of 4)

Happy Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week, everybody! I know the week started on Sunday and it’s already almost Saturday… XD

Before this week over, I’m gonna answer all of these, in a 4 part series of answers. Cross-posted to tumblr.

This is part 1 of 4. Part 2 is here.

I’m gonna answer these with long paragraph answers, rather than just 1 word, because I feel like long answers are necessary? XD

1. where are you on the aromantic spectrum?

Don’t know! Lol I’m gray aro. I’m wtfromantic and quoiromantic (I see these words as synonyms.) I’m bi/pan in terms of who I’d consider as a queerplatonic partner/who I’d “date”. Meaning gender isn’t a factor there for me. I think it’s related to the fact that I’m actually completely aro in many ways. Similarly I don’t identify as polyamorous however I do feel quite a lot of affinity for “non-monogamy” or rather… I’m not monogamous exactly either.  I usually feel completely devoid of any form of attraction to people: sexual, aesthetic, sensual, romantic… And I think it’s all a part of me being a 100% Asexual person with no grayness there at all. I think the way sexual orientation and romantic orientation are tied together for most people, being heterosexual also means heteroromantic and separating the two is tricky for your average straight person…  I am in some ways that kind of aroace. However I am way more “romantic”, for lack of a better word, than a lot of aros. I am a shipper in fandom. I did try dating prior to understanding my orientation and…

2. do you have a qpp/qpps?

…well, also, yes I have an amazing queerplatonic partner. We’re basically dating, a romantic relationship minus the romantic feelings. We’re both aro ace (however we do experience these orientations in different ways – My queerplatonic partner and I were talking this week about this stuff, aromantic awareness week brought some of it up, and he mentioned “I’d say I feel [asthetic and sexual] attraction, but not much desire to take that anywhere”).

Our relationship feels like “best friends as adults”, in a way most adults our age (I’m 27, he’s 28) don’t have. Our relationship feels like a practical decision to be committed to each other, to plan for our futures jointly but to do so mainly because we already have similar plans for our futures and if those plans were to change we would revert back to a typical friendship, albeit possibly a better friendship than a lot of people are lucky enough to have but I’d consider him equal to a few other very close friends I have, if not for our current commitment to each other to be queerplatonic partners. Also because we are together we are going to like, prioritize each other in certain situations, meet each other’s extended families, be automatic “plus one” options if going to an event kind of a thing. So again basically we look like a romantic relationship and act like one in big ways but we don’t feel like one on the inside, we don’t kiss (neither of us has ever liked kissing) or hold hands or feel butterflies. We don’t feel feelings that are different than deep, companionate love.

My qpp told me in a message this week: “I like what we have, and I don’t really have any expectations or visions of what our relationship is supposed to be Like ‘oh we need to be more romantic’ or something” and I think that sums us up well.

Please Don’t Extrapolate My Asexual Experiences

This is of course late – yes, it’s already February – but actually this was written for the January 2017 Carnival of Aces, which was themed “Many Ways to Be Ace”. The call for submissions was here, and I’ll update this post with the round up of submissions sometime soon.

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I’m an openly asexual person. Not only that but on a surprisngly large number of occasions I’ve been a person’s first and/or main exposure to asexuality, most often either through my use of Tumblr, or through an in-person coming out.