And blaming a suicide victim’s depression rather than the person for the act of suicide doesn’t mean killing yourself is ever the answer – it means we need to fight hard to find better cures for depression, to do everything in our power to fight suicide which is still “wrong” (never the best course of action). The same thing goes for PD abuse, I believe. We can forgive the person by blaming the PD instead, but that doesn’t mean allowing the person who is still controlled completely by the PD to continue to abuse us. It means if they are aware of their PD and working hard on bettering themselves and becoming more like a non-PD, then we can be there for them during this time and commend their effort. It means we can fight to get the PD person to acknowledge their PD. Or fight for awareness or better treatment options for people with PDs. It means we can get to the point in our lives where we don’t want to hurt the person in retaliation, but we want to hurt the mental disorder in some way, and that is I think a reasonable and healthy place to be.
Don’t you agree?
When my uncle had asked me if I’d ever forgive my BPD mother, I said something along the lines of: “I don’t know. I guess I’d like to say ‘yes, it’s possible,’ but she’d have to at the very least admit she’d done even one of the million horrible things she did to me and my brother. She’d have to say ‘I’m sorry’ first and really mean it, which wouldn’t be possible until she actually thought she had done something to be sorry for. And at the current state she’s in, she’s acting delusional and as if she’s never done anything remotely hurtful to me or my brother. The idea of her accepting that she did anything at all wrong is so foreign and seems so unlikely to me at this point, so therefore forgiveness also does. I can’t forgive her if she doesn’t even think she’s done anything wrong.”
1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon.
2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
3. To absolve from payment of (a debt, for example).Then clarifies:
Synonyms: forgive, pardon, excuse, condone
These verbs mean to refrain from imposing punishment on an offender or demanding satisfaction for an offense. The first three can be used as conventional ways of offering apology. More strictly, to forgive is to grant pardon without harboring resentment: “Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them” (Oscar Wilde).
Pardon more strongly implies release from the liability for or penalty entailed by an offense: After the revolution all political prisoners were pardoned.
To excuse is to pass over a mistake or fault without demanding punishment or redress: “There are some acts of injustice which no national interest can excuse” (J.A. Froude).
To condone is to overlook an offense, usually a serious one, and often suggests tacit forgiveness: Failure to protest the policy may imply a willingness to condone it.~~~
Forgiveness… is a confusing word for me, even still. When someone apologizes to you sincerely, truly regretful of whatever they did to hurt you, and swearing not to do it again, you should consider forgiving them. I think forgiving is seeing the other person’s point of view as fair enough, as being able to move past some offense. Sometimes, it’s understanding that something isn’t 100% their fault – for instance, if you blame someone for a car accident because that driver should’ve been more careful, vs. if you forgive them and realize accidents sometimes happen and this was probably one of those times and holding a grudge against a person isn’t reasonable. If a person intentionally murders your loved one, forgiving the murderer doesn’t make sense to me. Yes, you still need to live the rest of your life without actively feeling hatred too strongly, but getting to the point where you’ve “moved past” it or feel that “indifference” does not mean forgiveness. It means you’ve gotten to a mentally healthy state but the person will still never be forgiven.
I am not 100% what to think of the concept of forgiveness, really. I think I blame Borderline Personality Disorder and her other mental disorders/personality disorders/whatever she has more than my mother for all of her actions. And in that sense I forgive her, I do. I blame the personality disorder instead. And I will never fully forgive the actions. But I have moved to a state of understanding and detachedness and in that sense, I find myself in a calm and emotionally healthy state, personally.