Month: July 2014

Am I sex-averse? Maybe. I have made a decision to identify as such.

This is my submission for the July 2014 Carnival of Aces, which I am hosting here on my own blog. The theme is sex-aversion & sex-repulsion, so this is my attempt to write something related to the matter.


Content Note: I discuss some sexual stuff in detail later down. So trigger warning if that applies to you… My own sexual experiences in explicit detail. So at the very least, this should be considered NSFW. It’s certainly not erotic or “sexy” in the descriptions, though.


I started writing like 3 different versions of this and then deleted everything I had written to start over.

My main problem is that I have a lot of complicated thoughts on the subject for this carnival, and they’re kind of all over the place. Part of me is quite confused about myself, which only further complicates matters.

Okay, let’s start at the beginning.

I’m probably 13 years old, but only a few months into that age. I got my first period a few days before my 13th birthday in January, and now it’s near the end of the school year – I’m in 7th grade, and they have done the sex-ed unit. It’s over. And I still don’t know what sex is. The curious side of me is pretty bothered by this fact. You’d think sex-ed would’ve explained it. But no. They tell you about what puberty does to your body – they did that in 5th grade too. They tell you how the reproductive systems of our bodies work. They talk about sperm and eggs, fallopian tubes, and they answered that one girl’s question in class about “wet dreams” she’d learned about from her brother with an answer about the officially termed “nocturnal emmisons”. But they won’t get to even discussing contraception or STDs until 9th grade, and that’s 2 years away for me. It’s after school one day and my 11-year-old brother who’s in 5th grade is with me. He’s had his 5th grade sex ed already too. We’re watching a re-run of Friends and enjoying it, but of course the characters bring up sex in some plot, and that gets me to thinking, once again, about the subject. During the commercial, I turn to my brother.

Continue reading “Am I sex-averse? Maybe. I have made a decision to identify as such.”

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Love Triangles (in Fandoms), Jealousy, and Polyamory (some random musings)

So a little while back I started reading more on why polyamory makes sense – after all, people accept that we can love more than one friend at once, and more than one family member, so why not more than one romantic and/or sexual partner? And I basically think that makes sense. I actually was reading this stuff and thinking it made a lot of sense even BEFORE I realized, fully, that I was asexual and would never be interested in typical sexual-romantic relationships. I was reading about this stuff prior to identifying as ace – which only officially happened for me in October 2013.

I grew up in such a “monogamy is the only way of life” mindset, and when I first came across the idea and realized it made sense in theory, I still wondered if I could actually, in the real world, handle any form of polyamory without being jealous.

Then, at a later point in time, I realized I might identify more with being aromantic than being romantic anyway, so maybe it’d be irrelevant in my own life, because in non-romantic contexts, almost everyone accepts polyamory as the default, although they don’t use the word.

Continue reading “Love Triangles (in Fandoms), Jealousy, and Polyamory (some random musings)”

July 2014 Carnival of Aces: Call for Submissions

I’m hosting the Carnival of Aces this month! This is my second time hosting. The first time, I was the host was for April 2014. (If you don’t know what the Carnival of Aces is, check out the details here: http://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/a-carnival-of-aces-masterpost/.)


The theme I’ve chosen for this month is: “Sex-Aversion & Sex-Repulsion”.

I was just reading this tumblr conversation about the fact that many asexual people actively/strongly dislike sex: http://redbeardace.tumblr.com/post/88088956475/swankivy-scarybalkanlady-vhenanara-replied-to and this part:

I’ve seen people say that they don’t talk about it because they feel like there isn’t much to say, but trust me, there’s a lot to be said. (I still think someone needs to host a Carnival of Aces on it.)

made me think… why not? I can do that. I can host a Carnival of Aces on this theme.

Lately, a lot of people have been blogging on their own about this topic, but I figure why not encourage more discussion on the topic via the Carnival? 😛 So… here we go.


This glossary: http://asexualadvice.tumblr.com/glossary defines Sex Repulsion as:

A term used by some asexual individuals to indicate that they find sex disgusting or revolting, as in, “I’m a repulsed asexual” or simply “I’m repulsed.” Some repulsed asexuals take this to mean that they are repulsed by the idea of engaging in sex, while others take it to mean that they are repulsed by the idea of sex in general. The revulsion felt by a repulsed asexual may or may not be directed at sex acts other than intercourse. An asexual can be personally repulsed, but still be sex-positive when the sexual activity does not involve them.

If you want someone else’s point of view, at this link: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/tag/repulsion/ the author explains:

Many asexuals are repulsed by sex. Repulsion goes beyond simple disinterest. A repulsed person is generally disgusted by the thought of sex or of sexual things. There are many variations of repulsion among asexuals. Some think that all sex, anywhere, by anyone, is “icky”. Others are only repulsed when it comes to any form of sexual situations involving their own bodies, but are fine with other people having sex. Some repulsed people may be fine with their own bodies and may masturbate, but find the thought of doing anything with someone else disgusting. In some cases, the mere mention of an anatomical word is enough to cause someone to feel sick to their stomach.

The author also goes on to explain in a later paragraph:

Repulsion, by itself, is not necessarily an indicator of asexuality. Many non-asexuals are also repulsed by the thought of sex. They’ll experience sexual attraction, but once their thoughts turn toward the act of having sex, their thoughts will be blotted out by the ickiness of the fluids and the body parts and other goings on. Some people may even mistake repulsion for asexuality, thinking that because they find sex disgusting, that must mean that they do not find anyone sexually attractive, which is not the case.

I believe Sex-Aversion is often used as a “tamer” version of the term. You just “don’t want” to have sex, you don’t want to see sex or things related to sex such as naked bodies, you don’t want to talk about sex, etc, but it doesn’t “actually repulse” you to the point of “feeling sick”, etc. Other times, I think sex-aversion is used as a simple synonym for sex-repulsion (i.e. they are taken to be completely interchangeable terms). I could be misunderstanding the nuances of how people use the terms sex-repulsed vs. sex-averse, though. Please use this carnival to explain where I might be wrong, to discuss this matter more in depth, etc!

I tried to search Google to find a good definition for the term “sex-averse” as used in the Ace community, and I couldn’t find the term simply defined! On an AVEN thread, one person said:

In my opinion, at least, sexual aversion is that you just don’t want sex, perhaps don’t even want to think or hear about it. While some asexuals may even enjoy sex, even if they don’t feel sexual attraction, I would say that sex-averse people could not even imagine enjoying sex.

Another person on that forum thread mentioned sexual aversion disorder and included this link: http://www.minddisorders.com/Py-Z/Sexual-aversion-disorder.html


Some ideas for this topic (“Sex-Aversion & Sex-Repulsion”):

  • What do you think the best definitions are for the terms “sex-aversion” or “sex-averse”, and the best definitions for the terms “sex-repulsion” or “sex-repulsed”? Do you agree with any of the ones I provided above or not, and why? Where did you first learn about the terms and how did you come to your definitions? Are the terms “averse” and “repulsed” synonyms, or do they mean different things?
  • Are you sex-averse or sex-repulsed yourself? If so, what are your own personal, nuanced, specific experiences? How does it affect your life?
  • Do you find it difficult to decide if you qualify as sex-averse or sex-repulsed or not? Why?
  • If you’re not sex-repulsed/not sex-averse, what are your thoughts on the matter? Explain your point of view from the outside. Perhaps tell us what your first impression was when you first heard that people did experience sexual things in this way, etc. How have your views on the topic changed over time and what is your impression now?
  • What could allosexuals learn from the asexual community’s perspective on sex-aversion/sex-repulsion? Is there any overlap between what a sex-repulsed/sex-averse allosexual person’s experiences are and an asexual person’s?
  • How do sex-repulsed/averse aces treat sex-favorable aces, and how do those aces who are not repulsed/averse (sex-favorable or sex-indifferent aces) treat the sex-averse/repulsed? These are two different subgroups of aces within our community. In what ways should the behavior of either subgroup change?
  • Does it matter (to the world at large, or to you) if someone feels their sexual aversion/repulsion was caused by a trauma or some other event or series of events in their life?
  • How can an experience of sexual-aversion/repulsion change over time/over the course of someone’s life?
  • How do you go about coming out as sex-averse/sex-repulsed, if you do at all? How do you explain it to people? In which situations do you feel it appropriate to discuss this fact about yourself?

There are many more ways to discuss this topic for this carnival. But I hope maybe some of my bullet points could give a few people ideas on how to potentially broach discussing this topic.

Submissions may be in any form: written, video, audio, a chart, comics, fictional prose that makes a point, poetry, etc.

To submit, you may post a link in the comments on this post, message me through tumblr, tweet me @luvtheheaven, message me through YouTube at luvtheheaven5, or email me at pemk7@aol.com. If want to make a submission and do not have your own tumblr or other type of blog where you can post it, send your submission to that email address. 😉 I’ll post it as a “Guest post” here on my blog, and I can credit you by a name of your choice!

Good luck, and I look forward to your submissions!