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Unpacking Some of the Extreme Distress I Experienced Last Week

[Content Note: Heavy stuff, Traumatic Experiences, Discussion of Suicide kinda, Discussion of Murder and Domestic Violence and Abuse, Grief, etc. Tell me if you think I overlooked something I should be warning for.]


So Monday November 27th, I went through a particularly traumatic experience with a very close friend of mine becoming a murderer in the last second of his life before choosing to die by suicide. I have been through traumatic things in my life before, things that made it so I struggled to sleep that one night of the day the thing happened, things that made me want to talk about it constantly, things that made me still feel upset for a little while afterwards. But this particular thing affected me in a way unlike any of the other things I’ve experienced.

The tl:dr is that I’m doing way way better this week. I’m okay. I’m going to be okay.

But I wanted to write some more about all this.

After morning through midday last Friday (December 1st) writing up my last post about how I couldn’t stop crying, I still was a wreck. I then proceeded to be fired from my volunteer organization, as if that wasn’t going to be adding insult to injury especially when I had unresolved extreme fear/trust/walking on eggshell issues from September based on them treating me super unfairly back then, 3 months ago, and I just… and I still wasn’t sleeping, and I was adding EXTRA stress to myself about needing to wake up at the ridiculous hour of 3:45 AM to catch a shuttle to the airport that I almost forgot to book…

So it shouldn’t be that surprising that by dinner-time hours that night after I had kept being distracted by things all freaking day that it’d been about 26 hours since I’d eaten a meal (although around the 20 hour mark I’d shoved some plain cheese in my mouth from the fridge), I semi-tearfully told my brother how I wished we had hot dogs in the house or something so that I wouldn’t have to actually put any effort or even just patience into my dinner and he offered to go to the store and buy them for me. I asked if he really wanted to do that for me, and he chuckled a little nervously and seemed almost scared of… okay not scared of me, but out of his comfort zone with my grief and like he did want to help, and said maybe not like he super wanted to but he’d do it.

And it shouldn’t be all that surprising, either, that trying to sleep for 6 hours that night I still could not, I was an adrenaline fueled total mess, and at one point I started literally shaking in my bed, and I don’t think I was shivering out of any cold temperatures under my heavy comforter etc; it didn’t quite feel like that kind of shaking anyway. I got out of bed and put my pantyhose on that I planned to wear with a skirt to the airport because I was planning to be properly dressed for the funeral when I left the house at 4:00 AM. I put my pajama shorts back on, on top, and I tweeted my freak out briefly, and when I got back in bed I wasn’t shaking.

My friend on twitter told me:

This from https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm sounds like what you’re going through.

what I'm going through

And I think that helped me a lot to read…

That article in general did help, not just the excerpt.

It’s probably true that something about:

While traumatic events can happen to anyone, there are risk factors that make some of us more likely to experience psychological trauma following a disturbing event. You’re more likely to be traumatized if you’re already under a heavy stress load, have recently suffered a series of losses, or have been traumatized before—especially if the earlier trauma occurred in childhood.

is affecting me too, that previous traumas are piling up on me. I’d just, earlier that month, finished vidding and writing up an explanation of my breakup from back in May. I had to dwell on some of the intense feelings, especially at the end of the vid, and I think the way Robert broke up with me was kinda a trauma; I was very suddenly and confusingly abandoned.  I’d felt similarly again when Recovering from Religion as an organization suddenly suspended me as a volunteer for no good reason in September, like I was having flashbacks to my breakup almost in a very vague sense, even if they decided to end my suspension and let me back in later. It all felt really unfair. I tried so hard, put my all into a relationship of some kind, and got this in return. I found myself really upset by sudden shifts to my life, I’d recently been sent to tears at work by a co-worker accusing me of being a liar who was trying to destroy her career when I completely didn’t do anything and I was kinda a stressed and an ashamed wreck over how “sensitive” I’d been and how crying at work probably made it all worse.  My supervisor and her supervisor both got involved to help me and they were super nice to me throughout the incident, but I’m left now still having a super chilly relationship with that co-worker… and that upsets me because I was really starting to feel like she could be a friend before all this. Obviously I have had childhood trauma too…. Even Thanksgiving week my aunt was acting frustrated by the tiniest of things and like everything we all did personally was offending her, and it wasn’t that bad but it kept things kinda tense that whole “vacation” staying at her house for 5 days. My dad, my brother, and I discussed it once we got back home, like it made everything “less fun”… and I just…

Things have probably been building and building for me and that’s part of why I finally burst and broke last week.

I’d already been remembering back to 2.5 years ago with this comment thread and started re-reading that stuff a little out of curiosity. I wanted to understand WTF was happening with me, with my body, with my reaction.

Eventually I also reminded myself of the sentiment in this comment too by re-reading more, a sentiment I’d seen plenty of places in my life but still it never felt as real until right now…

Continue reading “Unpacking Some of the Extreme Distress I Experienced Last Week”

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I’ve Been Crying For ~95 Hours, Now…

Hi everyone. Where do I begin?? And how am I supposed to tag this freaking post…? *Sigh*. I am… beyond emotionally drained as this week sorta starts to come to a close.  Please read down to the end if you care about understanding the extreme grief and trauma I’ve been going through since Monday.

[Huge Content Notes for: Murder, Suicide, Domestic Violence, Grief… um let me know if I need to add something else in here.]

I basically want to laugh (darkly) because The Asexual Agenda’s Question of the Week this week is all about keeping secrets and well… In the past few days especially and into this blog post I’m braving writing now, I’m going to make it so there are basically ZERO secrets anymore in my life, in the sense of no separation of my real life identity and my online persona. I’ve been doing it slowly but surely for a little while now, and while even now I’d still rather not write my full name on my blog here so that people Googling my first and last name don’t as easily find where I write about “not masturbating” or “trying sex and being averse” or whatever, just in case for my next job… of course that precaution might still not really be enough though. But basically I’m going to tell you all my first and last name now.
So, without further ado: I’ve been volunteering with Recovering from Religion as a non-profit internet-based organization since February 2015 when their “The Hotline Project” first launched. (It has more recently been renamed Recovering from Religion’s “Helpline”.) I have been in many roles as a volunteer there – Call Agent, Chat/IM Agent, Mentor, Supervisor, Moderator of a Helpline Community when they started the communities, and, most notably, since we published our first episode on Friday May 6th 2016, I’ve been a co-host of Recovering from Religion’s podcast.
2 months ago today, I even mentioned in my bio which you can read at the end of this that I was both a co-host of the Recovering from Religion podcast and that I blog under the username luvtheheaven at WordPress. 😛
William Scott Smith, who preferred to go by his middle name Scott, starting about 7 months later than me in September 2015, has been in every single one of those roles too, and he’s been one of my very best friends for most of that time. 2 years of my life I’ve known him… Pretty darn well for an “internet friend”.

Continue reading “I’ve Been Crying For ~95 Hours, Now…”

Viewing Shipping, Sex Scenes, even Friendship through Asexual Eyes: a Privilege and a Curse since 2013

This is my second submission for the Carnival of Aces October 2017, themed around Asexuality in Fandom. I’m a day late finishing this one up… The call for submissions is here.


Imagine you really needed glasses (or contact lenses – you needed vision correction of some kind!) in order to see the world clearly, but you didn’t have them. You never knew you needed them. Zero people around you have glasses and every single person you encounter assumes level of eyesight is pretty consistent across humans. So you just assume it too. They look at you and just assume of course you can see with clear vision! (Everyone does.) You don’t realize they’re seeing more than you.

You manage your life for a while, maybe a long while, only very gradually realizing you’re… not fully seeing all the detail most people around you are. Maybe your vision is getting worse and worse all the while. Eventually you are pretty sure your vision is worse than other people’s but you don’t imagine any solution is possible, so you just try to make the best of the situation.

I wear glasses and I know the metaphor is far from perfect. But one day finding out about the existence of and/or need for select people to get vision correction (in this ridiculous hypothetical world I’ve come up with where average teenagers and adults aren’t already aware that people lose eyesight from genetics, age, illness and/or injury, plus are unaware that some people are completely blind, etc etc…)

Well in this hypothetical universe, the opportunity for vision correction would feel practically like a lifesaver, after all those years of being used to life without them! This is huge. This is what real people in our actual present-day world experience when they get their first pair of glasses, but to a much more intense degree. Once you possess those glasses you needed, you can’t help but notice many details all around you that other people overlook. You can’t help but feel very attached to your glasses. You guard them as the valuable item they are. You hate taking them off ever even when it’s only practical for something like sleep. You get frustrated by the lack of any characters in fiction either wearing glasses or even seeming to know low vision can exist…

The point isn’t that you finally could see exactly the same things as people who don’t need glasses. (That’s not at all how it works for us aces and… “Feeling sexual attraction” and that kind of thing. We don’t want or need a “cure”, and regardless no such thing exists.) The point I was going for is that the glasses themselves (the asexual identity), that item, were a thing you needed, something you find immensely useful, and an item other people around you don’t personally need to wear but you feel you do.

Ok I’ve clearly run this metaphor into the ground. It was never a very good analogy in the first place. But the idea I was trying to set up for this blog post is:

I was in fandom for between 6 and 7 years without knowing I was asexual or that asexuality existed.

And then, and I’ll admit the shift wasn’t instant like putting on glasses would be, but during the course of 2013, as my worldview shifted to accommodate both 1) the fact that asexuality existed and 2) the fact that asexuality included me.

(My worldview also, during this time, shifted to accommodate aromanticism, which in some ways was harder and slower for me to fully accept perhaps, and also took more time before l would understand that I myself was on that spectrum.)

I was freshly seeing fandom through asexual eyes.

It’s not like I was seeing the world through allosexual/”straight” eyes before, but it was eyes of not knowing what I wasn’t seeing/not knowing fully who I was vs being very much aware of it all, and it has made a huge difference.


In many ways, the shift was jarring and surprising to me, not something I realized would become a part of my experience… and also impossible to ignore.

I went from being indifferent to sex scenes or even curious and intrigued by them, perhaps trying to learn about allosexuality through them before I knew that’s what I was doing… to just instantly when a sex scene would come up feeling reminded that in real life I am sex-averse (because after giving sex a shot I knew I wasn’t ever going to enjoy it), instead of hopeful or expecting to one day be in those characters’ shoes.

Continue reading “Viewing Shipping, Sex Scenes, even Friendship through Asexual Eyes: a Privilege and a Curse since 2013”

Falling

Imzy is shutting down. I want to preserve these little original writing things I did for the 100 words community so I’m reposting them here on my blog. The prompt at the time for this one was “Fall”.


In my life, there have been multiple instances where I’ve felt embarrassed – in fact, where I’ve felt lesser as a person! – simply because I had the misfortune of tripping and falling. Sure it makes sense to not want to fall. Literally being hurt in a physical way is, indeed, negative. Becoming skilled at avoiding injuring the only body we get is an important skill if we want to survive. But my instinctual first reaction? “Oh no; other people can judge me right now.” This shame seems illogical and problematic. I wonder… Do I shame others when they fall?

Sexualized Language

This old post from The Thinking Aro (formerly The Thinking Asexual) is something I mainly agree with so I’m going to reblog it. Generally please remember to read everything this person writes with a grain of salt – read critically and acknowledge that sometimes they are wrong. In fact sometimes VERY wrong. They are elitist in many of their writings and make a lot of generalizations about all romantic-sexual people, and they don’t allow any comments on their posts these days and haven’t for quite a while. That all being said, sometimes they’re the only person to have written on some… really interesting topics, especially concerning aromanticism. It certainly frustrates ME that a few of these words are assumed to have a romantic or sexual meaning in contexts where it’s intuitive to me to use them in non-sexual, non-romantic ways.

The Thinking Aro

The following words are examples of sexualized language that pisses me off, and I want to bring them to your attention because I feel the way most people use these words is harmful to everybody’s freedom in relationships and particularly to asexuals and aromantics.

1. The word “love” to specifically, exclusively imply romantic/sexual love:

Usage: “I love him/her.” ; “Do you love him/her?” ; “I’m looking for love.” ; “I want you to love me.” ; “I don’t feel loved.” ; “All you need is love.”

Translation: “I romantically love him/her.” ; “Are you romantically in love with him/her?” ; “I’m looking for romantic love.” ; “I want you to love me romantically.” ; “I don’t feel romantically loved.” ; “All you need is romantic love.”

What This Usage Communicates and Why It Sucks: Either you don’t love anybody other than your romantic-sexual partners, or you don’t consider nonsexual/nonromantic…

View original post 2,348 more words

Relationships that lack stages

This is my third and final submission for the January 2016 Carnival of Aces, which had the theme “Relationship Stages”. I’m a day late with this one, yes. Oh well. 😛 For more information on the Carnival of Aces, click here.


 

One thing that I think, traditionally, is so special about friendships is that they aren’t supposed to have stages, rules, limits, ultimate end goals, none of that. There are still ways friendships can go wrong, ways you can feel like you don’t have any friends or not enough, feel like you feel more attached to your friendships than your friends feel attached to you, etc. But it’s nothing like the distinction between being “single” vs “in a relationship”.

There are a ton of things that are special about friendships. They’re a kind of relationship that spans little kids (even toddlers) through old age. They aren’t relationships where you need to have a conversation about if you count as friends or not — you can just sort of let it happen and decide that you consider someone else your friend, regardless of how they feel about you. And there is a large array of different ways for friendships to play out that still feel “acceptable” in our society – there is not just one script for friendship.

If you Google “stages of friendship”, sure, plenty of things come up, often about the stages before reaching “best friend” status, and weirdly some results about specifically “female friendship”. But there isn’t a checklist for friendship the same way there is for romantic relationships. There isn’t a list of experiences most people expect to reach when they consider their own friendships, or consider entering into a new friendship. And when a friendship ends, there isn’t usually a need for a big significant “break up” — in fact most friendships just fade and these people couldn’t tell you the day they stopped being friends with that person. 😛 You don’t really feel like your relationship “Failed”, just that it “ended”, because in general, there is no goal for “success” when it comes to friendships the same way there is that kind of “goal” in traditional monogamous romance.

There are other kinds of relationships that, to me, don’t feel like they have stages either. Something like a relationship a person has with their sibling, their aunt, their uncle, their cousin, their grandparent — most of their family members (except not their parent/guardians) these are bonds that may or may not really be bonds at all, you can have a family member and not know them, never spend any time with them, etc, but if you do have a relationship with them… there isn’t really a progression, a set of common experiences that is easy to generalize among all families… there are just so many differences in how people experience these relationships. And often, there is constancy in these bonds. It doesn’t feel like they go through stages. I could be wrong and other people do experience what seem like stages in their familial relationships of these types, but the general cultural narrative I’ve picked up from living the the USA is that there aren’t general ‘stages’ one is expected to go through in these relationships.

Also, temporary relationships, as in, ones meant to not last. A job that you know you’re only at for a summer and your relationships with your coworkers there. A year in high school where you develop a kind of relationship with most, if not all, of your teachers but you know after you leave their class, the relationship will be over. These also are definitely types of relationships that don’t really seem to have “Stages”. True there is the “first meeting”, a period when, if you’re lucky, you feel like you know them better and they know you better, and maybe a “Goodbye”, but… but I feel like these types of relationships are not usually considered in terms of separate stages, that people usually think back on it in simpler terms than that.

Does this make sense to anyone besides me?


 

Anyway I enjoyed thinking through these things for the Carnival of Aces this month. 😛 I used my blogging as a way to help me think through the issues. I hope maybe someone enjoyed reading my thoughts.

Stages in Relationships

This is my second submission for the January 2016 Carnival of Aces, which had the theme “Relationship Stages”. For more information on the Carnival of Aces, click here.

[Content Warnings/Notes: Mentions of death. Discussion of abusive relationships. Brief mentions of sexual assault in a section about virginity.]


 

If you go to Google and start searching for “Parenthood stages” you will find PDFs like this one on 6 distinct stages: http://arbetterbeginnings.com/sites/default/files/pdf_files/Six%20Stages%20of%20Parenthood.pdf or, to my dismay, an article from bigoted/anti-LGBT group Focus on the Family on there being four “phases”. You’ll find various books published on the topic and various academic articles at .edu websites on research people have conducted.

Clearly, it’s not just romantic relationships that either seem to have stages. I could think of many ways a relationship between a parent and a child seems to usually… “evolve”, “progress”, etc, much like it has its own kind of relationship escalator. There are ideal stages for kids and parents to be at depending on the age of the child, and this extends until the death of the parent, which is “supposed” to happen prior to the death of the child. Obviously the child dying first is one way the stages won’t happen “according to plan” or according to “how things should be”.

But in truth, there are many ways for parent and child relationships to not follow society’s ideals for the stages. A child having a disability or being neurodivergent can easily throw off the course of the stages, slow them down, prevent some from happening, and the same is true if the parent is like that. A parent dying too soon means not all stages can be completed. Sometimes people just don’t follow the stages for no obvious “Reason”, but the world around them still judges them as doing the whole “being a family” thing wrong. You’re supposed to be exactly the right level of aware of what is going on in your child’s life, but not be overprotective or overly strict or overly bragging, obsessing about your kid when in social contexts, etc, and also you can’t be neglectful, distant, not involved enough, “oblivious”, etc. As a child, you are supposed to respect your parents, but also not be a clingy child one could make fun of with terms like “momma’s boy”.

You’re supposed to become friends with your parent once you reach adulthood, and people who don’t have good relationships with their parents need a good explanation, need an excuse, as for why they don’t. The default is that you would. Deviating from that norm is not usually accepted. People will wonder why the deviation has occurred.

One common reason for a deviation from that, a reason to not have a good relationship with your parent(s), is if they were abusive to you.

Abuse is something that has stages too. More specifically, abusive relationships of many different types, from romantic to familial to queerplatonic and many other types of dynamics as well, have specific recognizable stages.

Continue reading “Stages in Relationships”

Aro-Relationships

I just realized I have a lot to say in reply to this, so I’m coming up with a new blog post as a reply to this instead of just a comment. 😉

Ace of Spades

I have been digging around in a lot of ace and aro stuff on the internet lately. In part for the powerpoint that I posted a while back, in part so that I have some material to bring to ace club, and in part because I really want to know and try to understand all the different ace and aro perspectives.

One thing that comes up a lot in ace forums and pages is an asexual participating in a sexual relationship for whatever reason (they use sex to connect with their partner, they enjoy the act despite lacking the attraction, etc.). What I haven’t seen a lot of (hardly any, almost none) is an openly aromantic person participating in a romantic relationship. The individuals involved would not necessarily be getting the same things out of the relationship, someone would feel romantically fulfilled by the relationship, and someone else would be platonically…

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What are search terms I might’ve used before I knew “asexual”?

This is my response to Asexuality Archive’s question.

See the full tumblr post and look through the “notes” for all of the “Reblogs” with many different perspectives and comments, too.

He said:

Before you knew what asexuality was, how did you think about or describe the collection of feelings that you later recognized as asexuality?  What were some of the things that you sensed were different?  What were some of the questions you had about the way you were?  If you looked for answers using a search engine, what were some of the search queries you used?

I have an idea for a new section for my site that comes at things from that angle, from the point of view of the ace that doesn’t know what asexuality is.  It’s still sort of fuzzy.  I’ve got about 85% of what I want to talk about, but it’s still missing a clear picture of the other 15%, something that connects all the pieces.  Basically, I want to reach out to the undiscovered/pre-identified asexuals, using the words and phrases they’d use and the thoughts they’d be having.

So, before you understood that you were ace, how did you think about things?

And someone else answered, and I reblogged and replied too. I realized I said enough for it to be a whole blog post… so I’m posting my tumblr response here too.

“I figured sexual attraction would come, but I thought I needed to pass some milestone, whether it was age or experience.  I had other things to do“

THIS.

I really thought I was “just” inexperienced, although as time went on, I started experiencing more and more cognitive dissonance about it: https://luvtheheaven.wordpress.com/2015/12/01/why-i-should-have-accepted-the-truth-that-im-asexual-sooner/comment-page-1/#comment-542

After I did know that asexuality existed, search terms I used were things like “Do asexuals not like kissing?” because I hated making out/kissing with tongue, the only kind of kiss on the mouth I’ve ever tried, and I thought it might be a sign that I was asexual. But what I found were all these asexuals saying “Can I still be asexual even if I like kissing?” so I felt more lost, like it must be that the guys I was kissing just weren’t “my type” sine EVERYONE, even asexuals, liked kissing.

If, @redbeardace​ , you had a search term like “Are there other people out there in the world who don’t like kissing?” or “Do some people like sex, but not kissing?”, that would’ve been the kind of thing I was wondering about then and searching for (wondering if I might like sex when I tried it in the future, even if I hated kissing.). Other asexuals could use, “Do some people like kissing, but not sex?”, lol.

Other things I started wondering about was if I might be demisexual/might just need to wait out being with my boyfriend for long enough to ”fall in love” before I could really give up on the idea that I was “normal”. I didn’t want to be asexual. If I didn’t know the words, I would’ve probably done the same thing, and I might’ve searched “how long until you enjoy kissing?” or “how long until you’re ready for sex?” or “how long until something your partner does gets you aroused/turns you on?”

Because, well, I have zero sex drive/libido/ability for arousal. http://luvtheheaven.tumblr.com/post/128500834127/non-libidoism-asexuality-aka-i-have-never-had

And I thought, I wondered, about hormone imbalances or about being stupid and about how maybe I was getting aroused and didn’t recognize it for what it was, or that I needed just the right trigger, needed to touch myself or be touched in just the right way, and then I’d experience what it was like to be “turned on”. I saw that hormone imbalances usually have other pretty obvious symptoms I didn’t have. I searched about a lack of or “no sex drive” or “low sex drive” in women and all I found were the types of things like, idk, what Flibanserin interviews talk about now. Older, married women not feeling interested in sex anymore, finding it hard to get in the mood, etc, and found that it’s normal for sex drive to decrease with age. But I was in myyoung 20s! Not that age yet!And even in my teens I hadn’t ever had a sex drive that I knew of!

I read this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/what_if_i_never_want_or_feel_ready_for_sex and I really don’t like how they say it’s “unlikely” you’ll turn out to be asexual, (okay their exact phrasing is:

…most people, in a lifetime, will want to engage in at least some of them and will feel ready for at least some of them at some point.

But while that’s true for most people, it’s not true for all people. Some folks really don’t ever want to have some kinds of sex or even all kinds, because they just don’t feel those desires or don’t feel the desire to enact them.

but whatever)

because it made me doubt myself, doubt that that could be my identity, for longer. “What if I never feel ready for sex” seems like a search term more asexuals would use than non-asexuals, although maybe not, but either way @hellyeahscarleteen made it seem like there is such a low chance that asexuality is the answer, that you shouldn’t bother “worrying” about the fact that asexuality might be your answer, about figuring out if you’re asexual or not, in fact the word asexual isn’t even mentioned in the text there, only indirectly told people about asexuality being a possibility in the link under “Don’t feel those desires or don’t feel the desire to exact them”. It brushed off asexuality as a potential comfort to the asker of the question, and instead focused on all of the things in life you can do instead of sex, and idk, while I like the post overall, I know at the time it almost made me feel worse about myself, when I was confused and searching for answers and wondering myself “if I’m 23 years old and have a great boyfriend and I’m not ready YET, will I EVER be?”

They have these posts on a similar topic, too:

(see the second question here, especially, since sex isn’t enjoyable for the advice-asker, an aspect many asexuals could probably relate to) http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/im_not_readybut_am_i_just_overthinking_it

and:

http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advice/im_25_shouldnt_i_have_been_ready_for_sex

Anyway… I guess I had a lot of thoughts on this topic. I’m looking forward to your page meant for asexuals who don’t know the word yet! It’s important, for sure.

Why I Should Have Accepted the Truth that I’m Asexual Sooner

This is my (late) entry for the November 2015 Carnival of Aces, which has the theme “Reasons I Should Have Known I Was Asexual”. (Whoops, time got away from me and it’s December already. Well, in the wee morning hours of December 1st I’m trying to write this quickly and squeeze this in under the wire.) For more info on what the Carnival of Aces is, look here.


 

I’ve read multiple people saying for this Carnival of Aces theme that they should’ve known they were asexual sooner (and often should’ve known they were aromantic too) because they were so obviously sex-repulsed (and anti-romance) in the way they acted and the things they said throughout all of high school, or otherwise for years before discovering the label.

They use anecdotes of the form “I was so ace, I ___”, most of which I don’t personally relate to. I understand that some of them are perhaps a bit exaggerated. Often the stories are told in purposefully amusing ways and they are entertaining sometimes to read. I do appreciate everyone sharing their experiences, even if they aren’t the same as my own. I love learning about what other people in the asexual community went through.

But growing up, or just looking back now in retrospect, things weren’t really that obvious for me when it came to my asexuality, and I didn’t say or do things that seemed drastically different than my heterosexual peers.

lilo-the-awesome-one’s submission is one of MANY examples that has moments like the ones I’m talking about. She said, for example:

I actually remember one time in preschool I was thinking about how someday I would have to get married. The thought absolutely sickened me. I thought boys were gross, and girls… Well I couldn’t see myself marrying one either.

And, well… I don’t relate to that at all. When I was a young child I dreamed of getting married one day. I looked forward to the limited stuff I knew about romance — even despite my parents getting divorced prior to the age when I really started forming solid long-term memories. And I always thought traditional, heterosexual romance would happen for me, which, once I knew what sex was, would include sex in my hypothetical future.

I don’t really think I “should have known” I was asexual before discovering the word for it.

But what I do think is that I should’ve “known” that I was asexual a little sooner than I did. I found out about the word asexual when I was still in college, when I was 20-ish.

It took 3 full years for me to embrace being asexual, including months – months!! – of dating a heterosexual guy where I did not yet know.

Continue reading “Why I Should Have Accepted the Truth that I’m Asexual Sooner”