Month: January 2016

My abusive mother won’t leave me alone

[Content Note: NSFW/explicit language used (one word), discussion of an abusive parent… let me know if I should’ve warned for something specifically but didn’t. I can add it up here.]

It has been 8 years and 9 months since one particular fateful evening, at the end of April 2007, when my younger brother and I decided to take our mother up on her ultimatum that if we left her house and went with our father on a Wednesday night, went with him to a get a doctor to look at my brother’s broken hand, well… the ultimatum said we wouldn’t be allowed back in the house. We would literally be kicked out. She told us if we went with him, we better pack our bags. And so… we did. Then she made us give back our keys to get into the house.

It has been approximately 5 hours less than that since she has been trying to get us back. Around midnight that night, she started pretending she never uttered that ultimatum in the first place. Or perhaps by then she had become deeply delusional and truly did not remember that she spoke those words. I tried to remind her. Tried to tell her to just look at the keys she now was in possession of as proof of what had happened. Regardless, she did deliver that ultimatum. Many times. That had just been the time we decided to take her up on it, because that time — with my brother’s hand’s well being being at stake — it was worth it. Clearly our mom never imagined we’d ever actually take the “leave the house” option.

I’ve written about my mother being abusive on a number of occasions, most notably in a 3-part series of posts that starts here: https://luvtheheaven.wordpress.com/2015/05/14/figuring-out-my-mother-was-an-abuser-part-1-of-3/

And you may want to read those to understand some of the context of what in the world I’m even talking about.

But yeah.

On my 18th birthday, in January 2008, almost exactly 8 years ago now, I cut my mother out of my life completely — putting all phone conversations and visits to an end — and I haven’t regretted it, not for one moment.

Continue reading “My abusive mother won’t leave me alone”

Aromantic People in Romantic Relationships

This is a reply to Saavok’s post “Aro-Relationships”: https://aceofspadessite.wordpress.com/2016/01/18/aro-relationships/

(Originally this was gonna be just in the comments on that post, but then I realized I was writing an essay, so… :P)


When asexual people talk about being in a sexual relationship regardless of being ace, there are a lot of different things that come up.

  • Being asexual spectrum “only” means a lack of sexual attraction to their partner, or sometimes even only “limited” or “lower levels” of sexual attraction. They still have desire for sex. They might even have attraction.
  • Having no desire for sex doesn’t mean they don’t “feel good” when touched in sexual ways
  • They don’t get anything out of sex except for the fact that their partner gets a lot out of it, and this serves to bring the two people closer together/feel emotionally more intimate too, or otherwise is a kind thing to do for their partner
  • The sex is a negative thing for them. They didn’t feel like/realize not having sex ever while in a relationship is an option, and that’s why they’re having it. Or they were under the impression that their partner is “sacrificing” by having sex so rarely, and they feel like they owe it to their partner to have sex sometimes. (Especially common for aces who don’t know they are asexual, who may not have even heard of asexuality, but also happens elsewhere too.) Perhaps they know how important sex is to their partner, so they try to have it, but their partner feels unloved when they have sex

But a sexual relationship is a more clear thing to define than a romantic relationship. It literally means a relationship where sex is happening. Sex may have some discrepancies of what it means, but it’s not that broad of a category.

What does a romantic relationship even mean? No one really can define it, despite people certainly trying to. A relationship where “romance” is happening? A relationship where people are feeling romantic feelings/strong feelings of infatuation and/or being “in love”? Or a relationship where a certain set of criteria are being met? Like in a sexual relationship, where people having sex is the criteria that makes it sexual, in a romantic relationship, is it the commitment to exclusivity? What about polyamorous people and where do they fall into it? Is it just the commitment to the other person, regardless of exclusivity? What about queerplatonic relationships then? Is it the kissing? Is it the hand-holding?

Continue reading “Aromantic People in Romantic Relationships”

Aro-Relationships

I just realized I have a lot to say in reply to this, so I’m coming up with a new blog post as a reply to this instead of just a comment. ūüėČ

Ace of Spades

I have been digging around in a lot of ace and aro stuff on the internet lately. In part for the powerpoint that I posted a while back, in part so that I have some material to bring to ace club, and in part because I really want to know and try to understand all the different ace and aro perspectives.

One thing that comes up a lot in ace forums and pages is an asexual participating in a sexual relationship for whatever reason (they use sex to connect with their partner, they enjoy the act despite lacking the attraction, etc.). What I haven’t seen a lot of (hardly any, almost none) is an openly aromantic person participating in a romantic relationship. The individuals involved would not necessarily be getting the same things out of the relationship, someone would feel romantically fulfilled by the relationship, and someone else would be platonically…

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What Stage of a Friendship Am I Even In?

This is a post written for the January 2016 Carnival of Aces. I believe it is just the first post I will be writing for this month’s Carnival topic (“Relationship Stages”), but time will tell if I actually do write any of my other ideas.


 

  • If you want a specific kind of relationship, how do you go about looking for someone(s) to develop that kind of relationship with?

  • Do you go looking to start a specific relationship intentionally or do you wait to see if it happens serendipitously?

  • Do you start off with an ideal image of your relationship member(s) or are you just open to seeing what works?

Life works in mysterious ways. I’ve generally been the kind of person who just lets life happen to her. At least, it’s sort of how I perceive myself. All 4 years away at college and not a single truly close friendship was formed, I just let myself get assigned random roommates each time.

Continue reading “What Stage of a Friendship Am I Even In?”