Tag: sex

An Exploration of Not Wanting to Be Sexy, and of Never Feeling Sexy

I just finished reading Kasey Weird’s old blog post from April 2013 on Feeling Sexy, which I had not come across before.

https://valprehension.wordpress.com/2013/04/04/feeling-sexy/

I read the post, and NessieMonster’s comment on it, too, which then turned into a full blog post on NessieMonster’s own blog, and I read that too:

https://hatfullofness.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/comment-on-feeling-sexy-by-kasey-weird-over-at-valprehension/

And then Kasey Weird wrote a follow-up post with further thoughts on the topic:

https://valprehension.wordpress.com/2013/04/06/further-thoughts-on-feeling-sexy-and-also-on-dating/

After all that…

Today, Jo posted a nice index of all of her blogging on asexuality. In it, I discovered this interesting post from 2012 titled, Sex or Society: the pressure to be attractive (an experiment):

https://alifeunexamined.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/sex-or-society-the-pressure-to-be-attractive-an-experiment/

Jo’s post there includes a lot of comments from asexual-spectrum folks on whether or not they think their asexuality influences their desire (or lack thereof) to “look sexy”, to “be attractive”, etc.

Those four posts give me some insight on the phenomenon of feeling sexy, and give me a lot to think about.

I think I have never truly felt sexy. Which, as a fact, is kind of fascinating to consider. I never really considered it before, but I am considering it now.

The Asexual Agenda Question of the Week last week on what people think about the term “asexy” had already got me started me thinking about this a bit too, because of its relation to the term “sexy”.

Sexiness seems to be a very complicated concept tied up in gender roles and heteronormativity, and for straight cis women it is complicated enough. For any other group to feel sexy or be perceived as sexy, things get much more complicated.

I’m an asexual woman who thought I was straight up until I started questioning if I was asexual and then, consequently, identifying as asexual.

Personally, while I already know this isn’t true for all asexuals, I’m sure my lack of feeling sexy in my life has to do with me being asexual.

Continue reading “An Exploration of Not Wanting to Be Sexy, and of Never Feeling Sexy”

I have looked through what search terms have brought people to my blog…

…and wow. I’m a little surprised by some of the ways people have found me.

(Trigger Warning for some discussion of Child Sexual Abuse in the first 3 paragraphs below.)

Continue reading “I have looked through what search terms have brought people to my blog…”

Am I sex-averse? Maybe. I have made a decision to identify as such.

This is my submission for the July 2014 Carnival of Aces, which I am hosting here on my own blog. The theme is sex-aversion & sex-repulsion, so this is my attempt to write something related to the matter.


Content Note: I discuss some sexual stuff in detail later down. So trigger warning if that applies to you… My own sexual experiences in explicit detail. So at the very least, this should be considered NSFW. It’s certainly not erotic or “sexy” in the descriptions, though.


I started writing like 3 different versions of this and then deleted everything I had written to start over.

My main problem is that I have a lot of complicated thoughts on the subject for this carnival, and they’re kind of all over the place. Part of me is quite confused about myself, which only further complicates matters.

Okay, let’s start at the beginning.

I’m probably 13 years old, but only a few months into that age. I got my first period a few days before my 13th birthday in January, and now it’s near the end of the school year – I’m in 7th grade, and they have done the sex-ed unit. It’s over. And I still don’t know what sex is. The curious side of me is pretty bothered by this fact. You’d think sex-ed would’ve explained it. But no. They tell you about what puberty does to your body – they did that in 5th grade too. They tell you how the reproductive systems of our bodies work. They talk about sperm and eggs, fallopian tubes, and they answered that one girl’s question in class about “wet dreams” she’d learned about from her brother with an answer about the officially termed “nocturnal emmisons”. But they won’t get to even discussing contraception or STDs until 9th grade, and that’s 2 years away for me. It’s after school one day and my 11-year-old brother who’s in 5th grade is with me. He’s had his 5th grade sex ed already too. We’re watching a re-run of Friends and enjoying it, but of course the characters bring up sex in some plot, and that gets me to thinking, once again, about the subject. During the commercial, I turn to my brother.

Continue reading “Am I sex-averse? Maybe. I have made a decision to identify as such.”

What is the difference between Platonic and Romantic Love?

So now that I realize I’m asexual, I also realize something else… I kind of view, and have for years been viewing, all “love” as platonic. I didn’t realize it, but it’s true. If you look up platonic in a dictionary, it claims platonic means “free from physical desire” or even “Transcending” it. When you look at an ideal husband and wife’s love, for me at least, it’s never about how sexually attractive they find one another, or how much they enjoy holding hands or any other kind of physical thing. It’s about how comfortable they feel talking to each other about anything/everything in their lives, and how they feel each other’s pain when something goes wrong in only one of their lives. When a spouse dies, my thought never goes to how they aren’t gonna be able to have sex again and that’s why it’s sad for the grieving widow(er). No. That’s not really the sad part. That’s sad too, if sex made them happy, but the love connection that is severed is one where a person who knew all of your secrets, hopes, doubts, and fears is gone. The only other person in the world with the same point of view toward your children. Etc. It’s about not having that person to talk to anymore, or to enjoy similar food or music or television shows with. Maybe it’s about not having anyone to slow dance with anymore when you attend weddings, or sleep in the same bed as… or some other things in life usually reserved for romantic adults.

I’m trying to figure out for myself if I am a romantic asexual, or aromantic and just looking for platonic love.

And in order to determine that, we need to decide on what the difference is between romantic and platonic love.

When someone is in a romantic relationship, it usually means monogamy, whereas platonic relationships are allowed to be plural. Advocates for polyamory suggest that because in general, people already understand how it is possible to love multiple family members or platonic friends, why not be able to love multiple romantic partners at once too, and in their case romance is almost always implied to be sexual as well. Many people also cite the idea of how it’s serial monogamy, not a single monogamous partner for life, that works for people, that they naturally are polyamorous anyway. After all, if you have had sex with more than one person and enjoyed the experience with both, it doesn’t mean you’re a cheater – you could’ve broken up/gotten divorced or your previous partner could’ve died. And of course there can be sex without love, and as both asexuals AND anyone who has ever experienced platonic love can attest, there can also be love without sex. But polyamory is about the cases where sex and love go hand-in-hand – and I support the idea of polyamory.

Imagine two sisters who when quite young sleep in the same bed together. There is nothing romantic about that. They could slow dance at a wedding and be being cute. They could grow up and regardless of if they’re asexual or not, if they don’t experience sexual attraction for each other, they could keep doing these kinds of things and it’d be platonic and “innocent” enough. Hypothetically, they could live together like “old maids” and have a deep platonic love bond. People might pity them as lonely and deprived of a love life, but they might have everything they need to be happy. They might enjoy each other’s company a ton, and know each other better than anyone in the world. They could even adopt a child together, or raise a niece or nephew if the child’s parents both couldn’t due to death or incarceration or some other reason lol, and have everything a romantic married couple might be thought to have. 😛 Everything other than the sex. And for an asexual like me, that sounds like a completely full life. I don’t want the sex. I don’t miss it. What I want is a life like that. I don’t have a sibling who wants that life, though. I don’t have a close friend who wants to spend their life with me rather than a potential spouse.

So that makes me want to go out looking for romance too. I want to be able to have a wedding to celebrate the love I have with one special person. I want to have “one” special person. Why? I thought I supported polyamory. Why does it have to be just one?

I think the answer to why I want to be monogamous, even in my search for “platonic” love, or asexual romance, is because everyone else seems to be. And because I don’t want to live alone. I’d be okay with living with a roommate who I felt really close to, a super close friend or family member, even potentially raising a child with them, and that person also having another super close friend they leave the house to go hang out with often. I could bring over other people who I have close platonic bonds with. There could be many loves in our lives. But I need someone special who is the person I live with. The person I spend the most time with. The person who shares my dream to raise a child and makes that dream possible for me – because single parenthood just doesn’t seem like a feasible option, regardless of how many people do it. Most single parents get help from grandparents or nannies/full-time babysitters. You can’t really do it alone. And while children aren’t for everyone, they’re part of my endgame goal for my life. I want to adopt a non-infant child, or foster. Not because of the sex involved in creating a biological child, but because those kids need someone.

I still can’t decide if I’m romantic or not. I thought I was heteroromantic for the longest time. Heterosexual really, because I didn’t realize I was asexual. I thought I, a female, liked guys in that special way. But now… I think I could “fall in love” with a fellow young woman in just the same way. I probably only thought of guys in that special way because I had friendships with girls my whole life but not many with guys. Because if I don’t think of girls in any way more than platonic, I assumed I must be straight. But that’s not true. The truth is I’m asexual, and I’m looking for a special Platonic Life Partner, or it could be Romantic but without sex – the labels just get confusing. Some people call it Queerplatonic or Queer Platonic too. QPLP. I think that is what I want. 😉 I just… I wish the definitions were more clear, and I wish it was easier to find other people looking for the same thing.


For people who came to my blog searching for the difference between Platonic and Romantic love, consider reading this post: https://luvtheheaven.wordpress.com/2014/10/27/i-have-looked-through-what-search-terms-have-brought-people-to-my-blog/ about search terms that have brought people to my blog. Also, consider reading various other posts of mine, as I write about these topics fairly often.