Non-libidoism & Asexuality (aka: I have never had a sex drive, so does that explain why I’m asexual?)

I think this can count as a submission for the September Carnival of Aces on Living Asexuality. This post, below, is largely about how I experience my own asexuality, in a very personal, “this obviously doesn’t apply to everyone” kind of way.


I don’t use AVEN. I never used it much. But before I discovered the asexuality tag on tumblr or the ace community on WordPress I was there, briefly, while beginning to try to figure myself out. And so I still track the two “What is Sexual Attraction” threads over there and get emailed when a new reply is posted on them. Those are literally the ONLY threads I still follow… it may only be one thread at this point (because they may have been merged or one may have died or something?).

A couple of weeks ago, someone posted something that sparked my curiosity. They said,

I apologize if this has been asked a million times but does having no libido make asexuality the default? How can one experience sexual attraction without having an interest in sex?

Personally, I can’t physically have penetrative sex. It’d be excruciating torture straight out of an Eli Roth movie. Is it possible to experience sexual attraction or desire when most acts are associated with pain?

Someone else replied:

I’ve always believed this to be the case, yes. I’ve considered myself “asexual by default” for that reason.

And they said more, but it’s irrelevant to the point I want to make here.

I don’t masturbate. I have never experienced arousal, or an orgasm. I don’t know how these things are supposed to feel. I can see sex scenes on movies/in TV shows, even pretty explicit ones, and feel nothing, regardless of the genders of the participants, and the same goes for reading erotic fan-fiction by talented authors.

I feel like I’m asexual by default, and I never saw that sentiment expressed until that post on AVEN. I really love how validating it felt to read that. I love the idea that yeah, I’m not the only person who is entirely non-sexual in every conceivable way and that is inextricably tied up in our versions of asexuality.

There is an article on the AVEN wiki about Non-libidoism: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Nonlibidoism and the idea that at any point in the history of asexuality:

Some people considered nonlibidoism the only valid form of asexuality.

Well, it’s hard for me to believe that was the case. The thought is so foreign to me, and such a shock to read. I’m glad we have a community of asexuals now with a variety of experiences, some with sex drives, some without. And with a variety of other experiences too, from types of attraction they experience, including sometimes things that might be sexual attraction. I’m happy to be a part of the asexual spectrum and to acknowledge that we don’t all experience it the same.

But today on tumblr I came across a post, one of MANY that I’ve seen in the past few years, ever since I’ve began looking at asexuality-related posts on tumblr…

And it said at one part,

An asexual’s body is perfectly functional. It reacts to touch just like anyone else’s, meaning, an asexual will experience physical arousal and likely feel appropriate pleasure from sex when touched in a way that feels good to them personally. Asexuality isn’t the lack of sexual functions, it’s the lack of sexual attraction only.

When I read things like that, I have to admit, it hurts. It makes me angry intellectually, but my gut reaction is one where I’m just… sad. Where I feel like even among asexual standards, not just larger society but even among aces, I’m “broken”. It’s not often anymore that I think of myself as “broken”. I was in denial about my asexuality for months after subconsciously realizing it was likely my truth, most likely because I associated the orientation with being lesser, with being broken, with missing out on what it means to experience the joy of being human, or being alive. Once I accepted that nothing would ever get me aroused, that it would be impossible for me to enjoy sexual activities, that I wasn’t even “just” on the asexual spectrum but rather was a 100% asexual person who was also sex-averse and libido-less, I embraced it. I was proud to claim this sexual orientation. I was relieved to finally understand myself. I was able to relax and be happy with my sex-free life and feel a sense of not being alone with my problems because hey, I’m not the only asexual person in the world. I had a new community, a new identity, and it was liberating in a surprising number of ways.

But then people say “asexual people’s bodies function normally” and then explain that of course they have “healthy” reactions to touch, at least, or experience the thing “all people” do that is arousal.

I think back to the Preliminary Findings from the 2014 AVEN Community Census:

Sex Drive

And I think about the how the number of asexual-spectrum who think they have an average sex drive is only slightly higher than the number of people who, like me, marked down that they truly feel their sex drive is 0 — nonexistent.

I know I’ve seen some people in the asexual community cite some study that says that asexual people masturbate at approximately the same rate as non-asexual people, but I’ve never seen the study linked, and I’m not sure what they were referring to. I find those supposed results hard to believe, but if true I am desperate to know, so if anyone can send me a link to look at, I’d appreciate it. I find it hard to believe because I have a strong suspicion that I’m not the only person in the world who has never had a sex drive and then ends up identifying as asexual. Whose lack of a sex-drive might explain my (their) asexuality.

I know some asexual people worry that because they do masturbate, they can’t “Count” as asexual enough, that this alone makes them “Sexual” (allosexual, zedsexual, non-asexual), or worse, they know they’re asexual and accepted into the asexual community, but they’re asked the intrusive question of if they masturbate by outsiders, and if they answer truthfully, that yes they do, they have a real chance of their identities being invalidated!! Of being told masturbating is “too sexual” and that they can’t “Count” as asexual if they do it.

But like the classic problem where it proves impossible to be an “unassailable asexual”, I have the opposite issue. I worry that I’m not really asexual, because clearly my body is broken in some way, why have I never gotten my hormones checked?, because if I just figured out a way to experience arousal and orgasm I’d realize I never was asexual, because I’m a freak who has never even masturbated so how can I know I’m asexual, how can it “just” be “another sexual orientation” for someone like me? It’s more than that. It’s a lack of me having any kind of sexuality at all. I worry that people will believe I’m broken, I’m not the right kind of asexual, that I’m a person that is a super-outlier, abnormal by far even among the asexual community, because even the average asexual has a sex drive, everyone writing their Asexuality 101 posts says that.

I don’t experience a lot of what other people in the asexual community do. I don’t experience any of the forms of “attraction” in a meaningful way, like a magnet being drawn to someone for aesthetic, sensual, sexual, or romantic reasons. I can enjoy cuddling or other forms of touch in a few cases, appreciate beauty, and romantically ship my favorite characters on a TV show together, but I can’t understand what it’s like to be drawn to them. I’m both WTFromantic and now, beginning to identify as aromantic too, and I really do feel like my aromanticsm is inextricably linked to my asexuality. Similarly, my non-libidoism is tied up in all of it. And while whether a person ever feels aroused or masturbates or enjoys orgasms is ultimately a very private thing, it feels oddly important to me that I don’t.

When I come out as ace and someone asks me if I masturbate, I don’t feel offended. I feel like yeah, they get how big of a question that really is, and I want to answer. I feel like it is relevant to understanding me, and my sexuality, and how and why I came to identify with asexuality. I feel like the whole world just doesn’t get me AT ALL if they are thinking I masturbate, even if they know I’m asexual and maybe don’t imagine me picturing anyone/anything while I do. But then I want to make sure they know that people can be asexual and masturbate. It’s just me that… doesn’t.

I don’t know why my non-libidoism feels so important to me, but when I read stories about the women for whom Flibanserin (Addyi) is supposedly designed, when I hear those NPR interviews with women who have lost their sex drives, I just keep waiting for people to bring up the women who have NEVER, ever, in their lives, not even as a teenager, had a sex drive. The 25-year-old like me who hasn’t lost their libido, but rather never had it. I keep wondering if anyone in the entire world — or specifically in the medical community — even knows people like me exist.

I know I’m not the only one. I’ve been going to Asexuals of the Mid-Atlantic meetups and 1 person in the group told me he got his hormones checked (and they were normal) because he, like me, also has never had a sex drive. I know there was once an Official Non-Libidoism Society, and that there is a term for what I am because I am not alone. But sometimes it still feels like being a non-libidoist asexual means I’m broken, even among the asexual community. Sometimes it still feels like I’m even more different than the average ace when comparing myself to all of the zedsexual people out there. Sometimes I feel like I need to shout from the rooftops that I don’t have a sex drive and don’t masturbate, because whether it’s rational or not, whether it’s rooted in any reality or not, I just get the feeling that people are assuming, everywhere I go, that I do have a libido and I do masturbate and that I could enjoy sex if only I wasn’t repulsed or something. But my truth is that I’m not someone who physically could enjoy it. I’m averse to even kissing, and my lack of arousal is a huge part of what makes me feel so disconnected from a person when I’m doing it.

Does any of what I’m saying resonate with anyone reading this? I hope so.

And I really hope I haven’t upset anyone else who does have a libido or who feels differently about their lack of libido, feels it’s private or doesn’t matter to them or whatever. I know this is only my own experience, and I would never assume it applied to anyone else.

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38 thoughts on “Non-libidoism & Asexuality (aka: I have never had a sex drive, so does that explain why I’m asexual?)

  1. I came across this – what a great timing you have, posting this today of all days – because I was looking for a way to validate what I’ve been feeling like all my life. For the longest time I thought myself to be bi because I just never saw the difference between genders and because the label has been quite prominent for a while now. It seemed reasonable for me to identify as bi or even pan; imagining myself with a girl gave me the same feeling as imagining myself with a dude (or anything in between) – namely, meh. But the label always did feel a bit like a slightly ill-fitting shoe. It took me a ridiculously long time to realize that “not differentiating” is not all there is to sexuality and that people are usually actively ATTRACTED to people instead of just “being able to accept – not enjoying, accepting! – kissing them”.
    I gave masturbating a go when I came into puberty because people seemed to enjoy it. There was never any result whatsoever and eventually I stopped trying altogether because I grew bored and nothing happened, anyway. I never really thought about it, only briefly wondered what people liked about it.
    I have never felt the urge to “scratch an itch”, I didn’t even realize that most people do until fairly recently. I have never looked at a person and thought “I’d tap that” – I can see that people are aesthetically pleasing, the same way you’d look at a nice painting. Sex just doesn’t seem to be something that has its niche in my brain; as soon as anybody gets too cozy with me I feel the urge to run off screaming. I’ve always secretly wondered if there was something wrong with me or if I had psychological issues regarding relationships, but since I’ve had a wonderful childhood it always seemed a bit far-fetched. I had a brief phase of experimentation where I made out with quite a lot of people, guys, girls, (close) friends… to see what would happen. Nothing ever did (on my end), and I just grew annoyed at the whole thing, wondering why people would voluntarily devote their time to such boring, slightly gross things.
    Coming across the asexual community last year was a tremendous relief for me because I no longer had to wonder about what the hell I wasn’t seeing that others so obviously did. The labels aro, ace and nonlibidoist fit me perfectly and I just wish that asexuality was something that more people were aware of – it really shouldn’t have to take people years to find out this is even a thing and that they. are. not. alone.
    So thank you for spreading awareness and for this awesome post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the comment! Yeah your journey of discovering your asexuality (and aromanticsm, and nonlibidoism) echos many others I’ve read and in some small ways my own as well. 😉 We all have our own, unique, story of course, but I really appreciate you sharing yours here and I’m glad my post resonated with you. I hope you check out some of the other posts I’ve written. Recently, I’ve written on what having sex was like for me, and over the past year and a half I’ve blogged quite a bit on the topics of being aro-spectrum and asexual. 😉

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  2. This is not uncommon; I answered an ask on the topic about a year back: http://queenieofaces.tumblr.com/post/100754808199/part-1-of-3-hi-queenie-first-of-all-thank-you ace-muslim’s also written about this before, although I’m having trouble remembering where off the top of my head.

    I started identifying as asexual because I lacked a sex drive and an interest in having sex, and later started articulating that as a lack of sexual attraction (since I’m lacking that too). But, yeah, a lot of this resonates with me, and I’ve had a lot of conversations with other aces who are unable to orgasm or who find orgasm unpleasant or painful, and I always wonder how to better include them in outreach. I think part of it is just…listening to aces with sexual dysfunction more, ’cause they wind up being talked over a lot of the time in the push to assert that aces are 100% absolutely normal and all the plumbing works, etc. But another part of it is really shedding The Unassailable Asexual and pushing back against the idea that all aces come to asexuality as a meaningful identity merely because of a lack of attraction. (More on that here: https://theacetheist.wordpress.com/2015/02/18/how-to-not-to-do-101-on-asexuality-sex-repulsion-and-sexual-activity/#comment-3041) Basically, fewer monolithic narratives, less policing of community members.

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    1. Yes to all of this. 😉

      Thanks so much for the comment and the links, Queenie. I had actually read most of those posts/comments in the past but compared to what I feel like I see more often, they get lost in the very back of my memory… 😛 And I don’t hold onto links the way you awesomely do.

      Less monolithic narratives are necessary, for sure.

      Also, on an unrelated note… redbeardace (Asexuality Archive) helped me out with a screenshot of the cited source about the percentage of asexuals who masturbate: http://luvtheheaven.tumblr.com/post/128449978352/non-libidoism-asexuality-aka-i-have-never-had

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    2. As an asexual who can’t masturbate, one thing I suggest is to not call it a ‘sexual dysfunction’. That implies there’s something wrong with the way our bodies work, rather than it just working differently.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s entirely fair. Is there a preferred terminology here? I’m mostly following what I’ve seen ace vaginismus bloggers using, which tends to be “sexual dysfunction” or “sexual pain disorder.”

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    3. Here’s another post I just realizes mentions that kind of experience that I can DEFINITELY relate to: http://thegoodlannister.tumblr.com/post/25702826433/polyamorouslyinlove-anonymous-asked-you-do Particularly this part: “I actually consider myself quite sex-averse. The idea of sex – at least as it pertains to me – makes me deeply, deeply uncomfortable. I don’t masturbate. I don’t want to masturbate. I don’t become sexually aroused. I don’t even know what it would feel like to want to have sex.” So that is another person to feel that way.

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    1. I really am aware there are SO many of us who don’t fit these ridiculous standards but it still sometimes feels like, on an emotional level, maybe I’m the only one… because annoying people write annoying stuff like this ignorant and hurtful comment lol! And they keep doing it, and no one calls them out on it. I check ALL of the reblogs before commenting and it’s usually just blind reblogs, no commentary. It’s usually a ton of people on tumblr saying “Hell yeah, this is all exactly right” or at least 2 people saying that and the rest of the reblogs I assume agree with the sentiment. 😛

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  3. I wrote about low arousability here (and also mentioned it here because I feel that my sex aversion is linked to it).

    One of the things that I’ve struggled with in asexual discourse is when people present the various different components of sexuality (arousal, attraction, desire) as if they’re completely unconnected to each other. Because they seem very connected to me! I do believe that my lack of arousability is why I also don’t experience either sexual attraction or sexual desire. It’s one thing to say that people can experience some but not all of these components, but I honestly still believe that they must be related to each other in some way, perhaps overlapping or something.

    I’m glad that you wrote about this, luvtheheaven!

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    1. Thank you for the comment, Laura! I know I’ve already read, “liked”, and reblogged those tumblr posts of yours and I really appreciate when you bring up how similar your experience of this, um… lack of arousability or whatever we want to call it is to how I experience it. It’s always made me feel less alone to know you experience things pretty similarly to me when it comes to asexuality, sex-aversion, etc. Even if no two people can be exactly the same and we obviously have some very significant differences in our stories… yeah they all seem very connected to me. If you read my post on being curious and choosing to have sex: https://luvtheheaven.wordpress.com/2015/05/16/i-was-curious-so-i-chose-to-have-sex-then-my-curiosity-was-satiated-i-decided-never-to-have-sex-again/ then it should be clear that low arousablity (or perhaps non-existent arousability) is confusing and always has been for me, lol. For a while I wished I had the ability to get aroused, as that seems to be “Step one” toward enjoying sex or masturbation… but now there is a part of me that is glad I’m pretty sure it never happens for me, never has, never will, because I feel like, for me, it makes things simpler. I don’t have any reason to think about if I am more gray-a or if I would want to compromise and have sex even if I were dating, or feel like I’m repressed or being stupid for not masturbating… because really, if nothing gets me aroused, and the most gentlest touch kind of hurts or at best (in very rare cases) feels neutral and sensitive but still not “good”, why would I be masturbating, or having any kind of sex where my own genitals are involved??

      This, though, gives me a few new… fears, I guess. I fear that all it would take to negate my asexual identity would be for me to take some drug or hormones or something that provided me with the ability to actually yes, get aroused. That in a hypothetical world where my non-libido and non-arousability disappeared, since my “lack of sexual attraction” and “lack of sexual desire” seems to likely stem from it, then those things might disappear too. And that thought is not very rational, and unlikely to ever be tested lol, especially if I don’t want it to be tested — and I don’t. But it still crosses my mind from time to time. 😛 And since I feel like my whole lived experience is different thanks to my asexuality… Since I strongly feel like I wouldn’t be “me” anymore in a few too many ways if I wasn’t asexual… it just kind of is a scary thought. That maybe my body is broken and maybe there is a “Fix” out there and then, maybe, I would be a different person with not just a different sexual orientation, but an actual whole sexuality, the idea of which is so foreign to me.

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      1. I definitely share the feeling that it wouldn’t be “me” if you changed my sexuality. I don’t think that my asexuality is simply a result of low arousability, but that there are other components that are also missing and so if I took some type of medication that increased arousability, those components would still be missing. I suspect that the result of such a medication would be that I might want to masturbate for release but still wouldn’t have specific fantasies about people nor would want to engage in cuddling or other activities. Which is also a very common experience among aces.

        The way I think of it is that there are multiple components that most allosexuals have at some relatively high level and there are a wide range of intermediate states where one or more of the components are significantly lower than the allosexual level, and people with these states may identify as allosexual, gray-A. or asexual depending on their specific personal context, and then there’s a state where all of the components are at or near zero, and that’s me.

        I don’t think that there’s some “normal” asexual state where only sexual attraction is missing, although some aces are like that, but that aces are distributed through all of these states. These monolithic narratives really erase the diversity of asexual experience.

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        1. Yeah I’ve also never had a sex dream or sexual fantasy or anything like that, and I’m still relatively touch indifferent, etc. I relate to much of what you’re saying here. To me, though, I just have so many questions about the “what if” I was able to become aroused, if the other things might suddenly come along lol… even if they might not, the small small chance that they might pose an interesting thought, at the very least.

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  4. “I know I’ve seen some people in the asexual community cite some study that says that asexual people masturbate at approximately the same rate as non-asexual people, but I’ve never seen the study linked, and I’m not sure what they were referring to.”

    The study is Prause & Graham 2007, and I think there might have been at least one other study too. This was actually briefly discussed on the Census blog. In my opinion, the studies didn’t find a significant difference primarily because they had smaller sample sizes. So the cutoff for statistical significance is higher.

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      1. Thanks, you know I had read that (and “liked” the blog post) but I’d forgotten what you’d written on the topic! Thanks for that link. I really appreciate all of the links people are posting in the comments here. Very helpful.

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    1. Also, not masturbating has a different meaning for asexuals versus allosexuals. I’ve heard some allosexuals say that they never masturbate because they’d much rather have sex, or because they have no trouble finding a sexual partner when they feel the urge. Which is very different from saying that you don’t masturbate and also don’t want sex.

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  5. There was a more recent study that found different results on masturbation, which is Yule, Brotto, and Gorzalka:

    http://brottolab.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/Yule-Brotto-Gorzalka-2014-Sexual-fantasy-masturbation-among-asexuals-3575-1.pdf

    The study found that 56% of asexual respondents masturbated at least monthly, compared with 75% of those who met the diagnostic criteria for HSDD, and 82% of the allosexual respondents.

    Additionally, 40% of aces have never had a sexual fantasy (I’m one of them). About 20% of aces neither masturbate nor have sexual fantasies (I’m also part of this sub-group).

    We’re clearly a minority among aces, but a pretty large one, comparable in size to aromantic aces.

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    1. Is that the study Anthony Bogaert was referencing when redbeardace (Asexuality Archive) showed me a screenshot of some pages of his book (in the tumblr reblog I linked to above, in my comment reply to queenieofaces’ comment)? I’m not sure what to make of all this, exactly. But I’m really grateful to have all of these specific statistics being cited here in the comments. I think they’re a good starting point. I think it matters that we’re a significant minority among asexuals. 😉

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      1. Bogaert’s book is from 2012 so it couldn’t have been. I don’t know what screenshot you’re referring to, but I know that Understanding Asexuality contains some otherwise unpublished analysis of the NATSAL-II survey (NATSAL-I is the source of the original 1% figure).

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        1. Okay interesting. I was replying quickly to comments without re-looking at the paragraphs from Understanding Asexuality quite yet but alright, so this is definitely different. I also plan to look at the link Laura included later, for sure.

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        2. Yeah, Bogaert seems to have published an independent study. The paper I linked to contains the following paragraph:

          “The current results supported the recent finding (Bogaert, 2013a) of a lower rate of masturbation among asexual individuals compared to sexual individuals. While previous research based on convenience samples has found that asexual individuals masturbate at frequencies similar to their sexual counterparts (Brotto et al., 2010; Prause & Graham, 2007, a more recent study based on a large national probability sample found that 42% of asexual individuals had masturbated in the past month (Bogaert, 2013a), which was significantly lower than the percentage of sexual people in the sample (70%) and comparable to our finding that 56% of asexual participants reported masturbating at least monthly.”

          Here’s the reference they’re citing:

          Bogaert, A.F. (2013a). Demographics of asexuality. In A. Baumle (Ed.), International handbook on the demography of sexuality. New York: Springer Press. (pp. 275–288). http://dx.doi.org/10.1007/978-94-007-5512-3_15.

          In this case, Bogaert’s sample is what we might call potentially asexual individuals and is not the same as self-identified asexuals. However, the sample in Yule, Brotto, and Gorzalka seems to be more directly comparable with the older studies.

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  6. For the record, I myself made the argument in 2011 that there is no significant difference between asexuals and non-asexuals in terms of masturbation/libido. I don’t think I was wrong to make that argument, since it was based on the best information available at the time. We now have better data that says otherwise.

    I don’t think I ever concluded, however, that asexuals were tolerable merely because studies had shown them to have “normal” levels of libido. No matter how small or large a group non-libidoist asexuals are, it’s clearly a valid experience. What those studies suggested was that actually there are lots of people, asexual and non-asexual, who don’t masturbate, and maybe asexuals were simply more likely to talk about it. It used to piss me off when people would make light of masturbation or mock people who weren’t doing it. Because you know, you may not be making fun of asexuals, necessarily, but you’re still making fun of a natural part of the human sexuality range. Actually you know what, it still pisses me off, even in light of the updated studies.

    And the other thing that pisses me off is when people use the asexual definition very stringently, and then make it out like the community and movement are only for people exactly within those boundaries. I’m not sure if you followed that AVEN thread any further, but people were doing it on AVEN too. Also, in response to the whole Addyi thing, I saw multiple people saying, what does this have to do with asexuality, if it only treats low libido? Well sheesh, asexuality may not be defined by low libido, but there’s a lot of overlap. Plus it’s not like the doctors are going to make that distinction.

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  7. This resonated with me! I also don’t masturbate and I’ve never had an orgasm. Sometimes I think I might be getting aroused (I honestly can’t be sure) but it feels extremely uncomfortable, enough to make me want to cry or throw up, so I just curl up in a ball and try to get my mind on something else–anything else–to make the feeling go away. And even just the thought of sex makes me feel like my body is throbbing uncomfortably and I need to clamp myself up real tight to make it stop. I just want everything that has to do with sex to stay away from me because not only do I not want it or find it interesting, it really makes me physically uncomfortable. Is being sex-repulsed like have a NEGATIVE libido?? haha

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  8. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I feel the same way–that maybe my asexuality is just a result of my lack of sex drive. Like you, I can’t experience sexual arousal either, which is apparently not always the case for people with no sex drive. It’s also not true that my body “reacts to touch like anyone else’s,” and I’m not sure if that’s the same as sexual arousal because I’ve never experienced either one. I have thought about getting my hormones checked, but doctor visits are really stressful and have a high probability of being traumatic for me, so I haven’t. I have worried that I might have a hormone problem, or that taking a pill like Flibanserin might make me no longer asexual. I actually bookmarked your blog awhile ago because I thought what you described was very similar to my experience.

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  9. Another phrasing I just came across on tumblr: “but I don’t feel sexually attracted to anyone. Id have sexual relationships with people to try and fake that intimacy, after all my body still responds appropriately to sexual situations.”

    “Appropriately”?? I don’t know what the best way to explain your personal experiences is, but this doesn’t feel right, maybe instead of “after all” and “Still” and “Appropriately” just say “I’d have sexual relationships with people — it was possible because my body does respond to sexual situations” and leave it at that? Is that a crazy thing to ask of people? Maybe I’m taking things too personally. I don’t know.

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  10. Hi there. Forgive me if my question comes across as ignorant. I’m trying to understand non-libidoism and the impact it has on human behavior. (Sorry if that sounds weirdly scientific, it’s just how I tend to talk.) What I’m trying to understand at the moment is the impact it has on motivation. From the way you talk in this post, it sounds like the only issue you encounter with nonlibidoism in your life is related to sexuality itself and the issues you face with fitting into society because of your disinterest in it. And apart from that, you sound like you live life in much the same way as others.

    That’s the part I’m trying to wrap my head around. Not because I think you’re a “freak” or something… I think you are what you are and I am what I am, no value judgment needed. But I’m trying to understand if it impacts your motivation at all. What motivates you in your life, for instance? The reason I ask is because I find that most people who have a libido are motivated in some way (whether overt or otherwise) by sex. So in the absence of that, what remains?

    I am wondering perhaps if it’s a kind of emotional drive? And sexuality is simply one note (for some people a very powerful note, and when engineered by society a very exaggerated note) in the overall symphony that is the human experience.

    I am wondering perhaps if in the over-emphasis of sexuality, many of us who have a libido lose sight of our more complex emotional drive in the process. Perhaps you can provide some insight, considering your instinctive disinterest in things sexual.

    Thanks for your time.

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    1. I have been dealing with a lot this week so coming up with a good answer for you was a little difficult. I turned to tumblr to help me and got a lot of good responses.

      This thread: http://shadowknight1224.tumblr.com/post/154219621901/i-need-help-answering-this-question-on-my-blog

      Might be a good place to start. I also would look at all the “notes” on that post and other replies people left. There’s a lot of ways to answer that question.

      But your question, btw, belongs more on a post about not wanting sex than about being an ace who doesn’t masturbate or even have an ability to. Because you think everything is tied not to masturbation but rather toward the desire for sex with another person. This is a heteronormative/homophobic way to look at sex anyway, even if you don’t consider aces. But a lot of us asexuals exist as well, and many of us go out of our way to avoid sex.

      Anyway I hope the tumblr comments give you some insights into various ways to answer your question.

      Like

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